Hey Ladies: The Ladies Are Writing A Book
A very special announcement
Hi Hairpin readers!
While we miss The Toast, we’re excited to bring you the latest installment of “Hey Ladies” to announce some big news. Make sure you read until the end (that’s the “kicker” in journo-speak, Katie says!).
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: Remember when Kanye was in debt? Yeah…
Hey Ladies,
I just checked my bank account and am having a minor panic attack. IDK how this happened but I apparently overdrew my account by 3k in the last few months (Sidebar: How often do you guys check your bank balances??? Aren’t they supposed to text me if i’m spending money I don’t have??? This is how the recession happened, I think!).
So i am 3k in debt. I can still def come to brunch on sunday but i think i’m just gonna do water and fruit salad. The good news is you can still use a card when you don’t have any money, they just keep hitting you with overdraft fees.
I need a way to make this money and fast….anyone have any ideas???? Should i be an Uber driver? Jen, can i borrow your car?
Nicole
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Jen
Subj: Remember when Kanye was in debt? Yeah…
I feel so bad for your situation! Being in debt can be so scary — when my husband Brad was an associate at Bear Stearns it went bankrupt, and his stock options went from being worth seven figures to high six figures, so I get how scary and overwhelming financial matters can be! Luckily, that was before I knew him, but that type of financial insecurity just stays with you.
I’m sure we can all put our heads together for ways for you to make extra money!
Ideas:
-Selling sperm (can you find someone with sperm and bottle it and bring it to a bank??)
-Selling blood
-Joining the gig economy, I’m not sure exactly what that means — maybe becoming a musician?
-Asking your boss for a raise
-Doing a Kickstarter. Do you have any talents?
Let me know how I can help! I’m in the Hamptons FT this summer, but available on FaceTime. We’ll get through this!
Love,
Jen
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Katie
Subj: Remember when Kanye was in debt? Yeah…
hey nic,
sorry to hear this! 3k is so much!!!!!! 🙁 seriously that sounds awful!!! how are you able to sleep at night??? i feel like i want to kill myself for you!!! ugh but you’ll be fine bc you are so strong and have an amazing attitude.
to echo jen, have you thought about leveraging some of your skills? didn’t you used to have a blog on tumblr? could you sell ads?
what about asking your dad? i know it’s embarrassing to do that, but desperate times!!! you’re lucky to have the option.
Regards,
Katie
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: Remember when Kanye was in debt? Yeah…
Thanks for the support, ladies!!! I’m seriously trying to cut back on spending, so all I’ve eaten today are 4 cold-pressed juices from Juice Generation.
Some skills: I’m great at texting, being able to tell if someone on the train is just wearing something unflattering or is pregnant, and I give great advice — like that time I told Jen her husband is probably cheating and I offered to try to seduce him to catch him in the act! LOL, love you Jen!
I love writing — I can try to write a musical like Hamilton! That would probably pay a lot! I could call it Nicol-ton!
What do we think??
xo, Nicole
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Ali
Subj: BOOK!
Hey Ladies!
Nicole, I’m so sorry to hear about your financial situation. You still owe me $60 for your “The ‘Maids” tank top I had printed for Kylie’s bachelorette — but you can totally pay me back anytime before Friday, no rush!
I like the idea of us all working on a project together! What if we…
(Oprah voice)
WROTE A BOOOOOOOOK!!!!
If Jonathan Franzen can write books, so can we! We can all write it together!
Katie, can you please reach out to your publishing contacts by this afternoon??
What do people wear to book parties?? I can tweet at Oprah, I’m sure she’d want to include us in her book club.
I’M SO EXCITED!!
x, Ali
—
“This is my fight song. Take back my life song.” — Hillary Clinton
“You know that I don’t play.” — Drake, “One Dance”
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Morgan
Subj: BOOK!
Hey!
Love this idea! How do we write a book???
Love Morgan
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: BOOK!
I love this idea!!!! Should we read a book about how to write a book? Or are there any movies about people who wrote books? Something’s Gotta Give? She wrote a play in it, but I bet it’s basically the same. Can someone lend it to me?
❤ Nicole
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Katie
Subj: BOOK!
Hey I think I’m out! No offense but I’m really trying my best to be taken seriously in midwest media ever since I left New York and I’m not sure writing a kindle single to get Nicole out of debt is a good branding move for me.
I’ll be first in line to buy tho!!!!
Katie
Also you guys never told me if you read my “Why I left New York” essay btw???
ps. Actually quick idea — been really into the Olympics this week. What if you picked one of the easier sports (like trampoline??? or swimming?? you did club swim in college, right???) and quit your job and just trained for the next four years and became the Katie Ledecky of #Japan2020. Endorsement deals would def help w the debt situation. And maybe i’ll be in the press box 😉
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Ali
Subj: BOOK!
Hey Ladies!
I just went on Amazon and bought us all a ton of books on how to write! Everyone owes me $70 for their share. Pls venmo me today. Nicole, don’t worry, sometimes you need to spend money to make money!!!
IDEA: We should definitely do a New York Times bestseller! Something in the vein of Harry Potter meets The Fault In Our Stars meets The Da Vinci Code meets The Five People You Meet in Heaven meets Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate to Back Again.
It’s easier if we divide up all the work!
Katie: Pls write the outline of the book. I know you don’t want to be “involved” so we can just use a pen name for you. You know what other famous author used a pen name? William Shakespeare!!! (I’m like 99% on that.)
Nicole: Marketing plan — I’d like the book to go viral, so please come up with some stunts or celebrities that we could show fake-reading our book on Instagram.
Morgan: Please come up with a cover concept.
Gracie: We would love, love it if you could help out with our book!! Since you work at The Times (wait, is it The Times or the New York Times? I can never remember!), your insights would be sooo helpful. Plus, I think it could be great for your career to co-author a book!
Does anyone know any agents or publishers???
Should we plan a working brunch this weekend to go over details! I’m so excited!!!
xo, Ali
—
“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.” — Carrie Bradshaw
“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.”- Machiavelli, The Prince
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Ashley
Subj: BOOK!
I don’t think I want to “write” the book, but I can handle our social media!!
Ooh, where should we brunch?? Did you guys see that video about that place that makes donuts made with real gold?? It’s a splurge, but since we’ll soon be published authors, I think we should treat ourselves!!!
-Ash
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: BOOK!
Def down for marketing but don’t really wanna “write” the book, either! Not my strength! Maybe Gracie can write it?? Wanna make sure we split all of this evenly 🙂 Everyone is okay with just me getting the advance though right? I heard Lena got millions for her book. Fingers crossed 🙂
nic
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Gracie
Subj: BOOK!
Hey all,
Thanks for including me in this email! Wow! Writing a book is such a huge undertaking but I know you guys are so enthusiastic and driven and you’ll definitely make it happen. While I can’t commit to writing the book (though SO flattered you asked) I can recommend a helpful title that could be useful when planning your plot, structure, themes, and characters. I am happy to loan anyone my copy just as long as you return it (it’s one of my favorites). For everyone else, I’ve included a link below.
Nicole, good luck with your debt. It can be so stressful! Since books can take time, it may be a quicker fix to try making money the old-fashioned way. I know my sister, Izzy is looking for a part-time babysitter on Friday and Saturday nights, and some Sunday mornings. She lives in Park Slope and my niece, Ruthie, is super cute. Let me know if you want me to set something up?
Good luck to you all, and enjoy the Olympics! I am obsessed with gymnastics!
Best,
Gracie
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: BOOK!
Aw, thanks Gracie!! I would love to babysit for your sister! I’ve always wanted to go to Park Slope!!! Jake Gyllenhaal visits his sister and her kids there all the time — would be such a meet-cute!
It seems really far though — would your sister pay for Ubers??
x, Nic
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Ali
Subj: BOOK!
Yeah, honestly? I’m way too busy to write a book now anyway — besides, print is dead, right!
Can everyone pls Venmo me for the books though — seriously.
What’s everyone doing Thursday?? I’ll send a doodle!
Love you!
Ali
—
“Hard days are the best because that’s when champions are made.” — Gabby Douglas
“Never let a friendship get in my way” — Chance the Rapper
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Morgan
Subj: BOOK!
Hey ladies,
I have a sick idea for the book cover. It would be sort of like Twilight meets The Secret meets Chrissy Teigen’s new cookbook meets Gone Girl. That guy I’ve been hooking up with, Forrest, the one that bought my couch off Craigslist, is really into Adobe software and said he could make it for us. He’s a coder. He said he could do it for like $2,000 which I think makes financial sense considering we’re aiming for a big advance.
LMK,
Morgan
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Katie
Subj: BOOK!
hey ladies,
Back to the Olympics, Nicole, do you think you could learn to dive within four years???? Been watching a lot of streams of the Games of the 31st Olympiad and you could so do this! And then you could get a book deal: Debt in the Water: The Story of an Unlikely Olympian. Great for SEO!
love always,
Katie
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Katie
Subj: BOOK!
P.S. I can DEF ghostwrite your memoir!! I plan on being avail for freelance work in Fall 2020 into Winter 2021.
lmk and i’ll send a contract,
katie
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Ashley
Subj: BOOK!
You have really sturdy legs, you should totally do it!!!
x, Ash
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Caitlin
Subj: BOOK!
Can you guys please take me off this thread?? I was in a meeting and got dozens of notifications and thought there was an emergency!
Also, why are we still emailing instead of texting??
-Caitlin
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Morgan
Subj: BOOK!
LOL. Yeah, I think we should move this to text also. Thoughts?
To: Ali
From: Morgan
Subj: Wait…
Also, wait ali, qq, who is Caitlin again?
-Morgs
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: BOOK!
Agreed! We should move this to text!
-Nic
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Katie
Subj: BOOK!
Or slack!!
Katie
ps nicole please see attached a contract. I need a deposit by EOD and then we can sign.
To: Ladies List-Serv
From: Nicole
Subj: BOOK!
Okay, instead of paying in US currency (super unstable with the upcoming election), I can pay you in those umbrellas you buy on the street for $5 when you get caught in the rain. You can never have too many! LMK, I can messenger it to you!
SO excited!!! Love you girls!!!!!!
Happy hour tonight??
-Nic