Guided Meditation: Kim Kardashian–Taylor Swift Edition

Sit comfortably, close your eyes, breathe deeply, Kanye West, sex, “Taylor Swift lie,” “Kim Kardashian Snapchat.”

Meditation is a practice believed to calm the mind, de-stress, and center the, um, mind. Anyone can do it. You do not need to be a meditation expert to benefit from the practice of meditation. You simply need the desire to meditate. Those new to the practice, and those simply wishing to explore new methods of achieving mindfulness, may use this guided meditation prompt.

Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Place your hands either on your lap, or to your sides, or another way; whatever feels natural to you. Focus on your breath.

Mentally scan your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. How does your body feel? Do not judge your body for feeling pain or uncomfortableness; simply be mindful of your current state.

Scan the hours from 10 P.M. EST on July 17, 2016 to 1 A.M. EST on July 18, 2016. How does your mind feel? Again, do not judge; simply be mindful of your current state.

Let your thoughts come and go. There are no rules; you needn’t keep your mind perfectly still. Do not resist. Kim Kardashian. Sex. You are #TeamKimye but you feel that Taylor Swift has a point, albeit a minor point ultimately. Sex. Allow your thoughts to come and go freely, careful not to focus on any one thought for too long, always returning to your breath.

Notice that you followed Kim Kardashian on Snapchat, or perhaps even downloaded Snapchat to follow her, or re-downloaded Snapchat after deleting it a few months ago, to watch the video clips of Kanye West calling Taylor Swift to tell her about the sex line in his song. Notice that if Kim had released the clips on her television show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, you would have sought out the clip from the show and watched it. You would have watched the pre-roll advertisement. You would have watched up to three pre-roll advertisements. Notice that you already followed Taylor Swift on Instagram, and thus were able to see her response instantly. Focus your mind on this. It is nothing new; it is fine. You are not in control of your thoughts or actions and you never were. You are entitled to live at peace with this knowledge. Water flowing over rocks or something like that — that is you. You are the rocks. Breathe deeply.

If you find yourself feeling shame; if you find yourself thinking that you might have avoided this whole thing altogether had it not been for Twitter; had it not been for your group-text; had it not been for your natural inability to focus on a task, gently reign it back in. Relax your breath and your body into the idea that you would have sought this out even if it were not immediately available; “this” meaning the sort of minor distraction to which you might attribute your collective failings. Had it not been provided, you would have continued to search — your mind, your computer, your group-text — and you would have uncovered a less juicy alternative. It is fine. You are not in control of your thoughts or actions and you never were. A little bug on a log — that is you. You are the log. Dead! Oh no. Focus on your breath.

The sun is shining. It is too hot outside; allow your mind to wander to the feeling of heat, to the dampness of your skin. This is the only reality. If Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift turn out to be some sort of money robot or like a ghost or I don’t know what, we will still have the sun, but only until it burns out and dies. Unless the sun is also some sort of fake thing to be revealed later. But we will still have the feeling of heat. Unless that is also a lie. Uh-oh.

Open your eyes and breathe deeply.