Orlando Bloom Isn’t Cheating On Katy Perry With Selena Gomez

And you know why? Because celebrities can’t cheat, because they don’t even date in the first place.

It is so very sweet that we are falling all over ourselves, alternately being shocked and trying to justify the intimate positioning of Selena Gomez’s body over Orlando Bloom’s lap in some grainy photos posted on TMZ today under the URL “orlando-bloom-selena-gomez-hugging-kissing-las-vegas.” Oh my God, what about BIEBS!! And Miranda Kerr who was once “married to” Orlando Bloom and carried his child and now dates (no quotes because Evan Spiegel is not part of this league of extraordinary creatures). Oh and Katy Perry! Where does poor John Mayer fit into this octet?? I think he gets Evan Spiegel. I bet you he tried to sleep with Miranda Kerr once too!

The point is that trying to interpret what is going on in celebrities’ love lives is like anthropomorphizing your vacuum cleaner — they don’t care, they’re just beautiful things that like to suck on whatever they come into contact with. The “rules” don’t “apply” because their “relationships” aren’t “real.” Don’t you get it? Celebrities are just acting for us, but no one knows why! The saddest thing is when they become self-aware, and convince themselves they’re Just Like Us. Jennifer Garner fell into that trap, and look how it ended up for her. She desperately wanted to be a normal, but instead she got three beautiful children. In fact, she fell so far down the rabbit hole she didn’t know what was real or what was fake! Or maybe she was playing along the whole time, and Vanity Fair was tricked. Or maybe Vanity Fair was in on it! We’ll never know because we don’t want to.

Anyway, the point is that if you were that good looking and had that low of a BMI, wouldn’t you just rub your body on other beautiful bodies regardless of who promised or said what? Everything is a sham, celebrity relationships most of all.

There's the wonderful love of a beautiful maid,
And the love of a staunch true man,
And the love of a baby that's unafraid-
All have existed since time began.

But the most wonderful love, the Love of all loves,
Even greater than the love for Mother,
Is the infinite, tenderest, passionate love
Of one dead drunk for another.