DiGiorno’s Looks Nothing Like Delivery

By Silvia Killingsworth May 4, 2016

DiGiorno’s is not good pizza. You may recognize the DiGiorno’s brand from those commercials with the tagline, “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno’s.” Have you ever had a DiGiorno’s pizza? First, I’m so sorry. Second, those things look nothing like delivery pizzas. I mean, imagine for a second a delivery service that delivered DiGiorno’s-looking pizzas? How horrified would you be if you got a pie so artificially puffy that looked like it was stuffed full of pizza steroids, four inches tall, mostly crust, with brown formerly-known-as-cheese-product that looked like a skin tumor?

I hope you don’t like your crust crisp, because despite all that browning, DiGiorno’s pizza crust is more like a Pillsbury Grands roll. It’s even kinda flaky, like pastry. Actually, DiGiorno’s pizza is pretty impressive if you just consider it a pastry and not a pizza. But most offensively, DiGiorno’s pizza is terribly sweet. Sure, yes, I understand the fundamentals of Bermuda taste triangles — that “sweet spot” between salt, sweet, and fat — but DiGiorno’s hits only single note: sugar.

The above photo is of a personal “three meat” pizza. You may not see three meats, but I assure you, they are there. I know this because I came across the following customer-service interaction on DiGiorno’s website:

★★2 out of 5 stars.

Craig

ONLY 2 MEATS ON MINE

It was Ok, BUT only had pepperoni and sausage on it. Kind of disappointed.

✘ No, I do not recommend this product.

Quality of Product 2 out of 5

RESPONSE FROM DIGIORNO:

Michael · Consumer Engagement Center
Our pizza’s Three Meat name refers to the pepperoni, sausage, and beef toppings which may look similar. We’d like to speak with you further about your concerns, so please expect an email from our team shortly.

WHAT ARE BEEF TOPPINGS????? More importantly what are you doing eating frozen pizza? Please, for the love of God, just order delivery. If you live in New York, walk your ass down the street to the nearest pizza place and patronize it in person. If you live in New York and you’re not within walking distance of a pizza place, please leave — you’re doing it wrong. I leave you with this nonsense tweet: