Declare Everything When You Enter Australia

Dear Australian Government Department of Agriculture and Water Resources:

I would like to declare the following items in my “luggage,” or “baggage” or “upside-down luggage,” as perhaps you call it here.

  • Definitely no pets. I’m allergic. (Does this Angora sweater count?)
  • My travel pillow, Pee-lo (“I guess the fear when I’m packing/wasn’t enough I might/forGET you-uuu”)
  • Not enough underwear for a nine-day trip.
  • A thing of Neutrogena Sensitive Skin Sunblock Face Lotion, partially exploded.
  • A blister pack half-full of AZO tablets.
  • Not the correct number of bikini bottoms for the number of tops I brought because I prefer to vary patterns up top while rotating among flattering solids.
  • A sock I thought I had lost in the laundry but was actually in this suitcase that whole time.
  • A pair of “boyfriend jeans” that I never wash because they’re more comfortable that way but they have a stain on them that I swear to God is chocolate ice cream and not anything else.
  • Texts from my ex-boyfriend that I will never delete off my phone and you can’t make me.
  • Saul, my pet salamander.
  • Fuck, I forgot toothpaste.

Listen to Johnny Depp. Stay out of jail — make a viral video instead! The joke’s on us because no one will ever violate the Gold Coast’s quarantine laws ever again.

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