How To Get Rid Of A Cold

I get the same cold twice a year. I know according to “science” and “medicine” and other made-up things it cannot possibly be the same cold every time, but it feels like the same cold every time, usually in October and April, and for a while it was a life-ruiner. Like, ten days minimum of suffering, totally disgusting, snot city and I was the mayor. By the end of it I was always reduced to praying: please God if you just let me be healthy again I swear I will never stay up past 10 p.m. and I’ll exercise and eat more kale and just whatever it takes to never ever get this cold again.

The worst one was a few years ago, and was clearly exasperated by my truly absurd work schedule (6 a.m. to 10 a.m. I worked for an independent magazine, 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. I worked in the office of a very beautiful clothing store, 9 p.m. to midnight I did freelance writing or my work as a virtual assistant, and then the weekends were my “days off” because I only worked 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., it was so dumb, I’m getting a stress rash just remembering it), and my cold lasted for five weeks before I caved and went to the doctor. She was totally unsympathetic. “Colds can last up to eight weeks with a compromised immune system,” she said, just to hurt me, I thought, and I cried until she told me to leave her office.

My point is, I have had a LOT of time to consider what reduces the duration and intensity of the common cold, and since every single person I’ve seen in the last few weeks has done the obligatory “I think I’m coming down with something,” I thought it might be time to officially share my wisdom on my blob.

1. Pill Salad
A handful of pills is worth two in the bush, or whatever the saying is. My colds always show up first as a slight sore throat, so that’s when I start popping every relevant pill: Cold-FX, oil of oregano, whatever multivitamins I have on hand, and Advil, because it really fucking hurts. The oil of oregano makes you burp, and the burps smell disgusting. Staying healthy is terrible.

2. Liquids
Emergen-C, green tea, flat ginger ale, water, repeat. Actually, don’t repeat exactly: Emergen-C is a kind of intense amount of Vitamin C, so I only take it on days when I really, really feel disgusting, because it’ll force your body to get rid of a lot of ~toxins~ but too much can be bad for your kidneys. Bodies!!!! Literally never terrible.

Ok, yeah, then green tea, obviously, and add some Manuka honey if you can find it. Obviously any honey is good, but Manuka honey has allegedly anti-bacterial properties so I guess it kills germs? I don’t know, I read about it in a book once. It’s at Whole Foods because of course it is.

Ginger ale is just a classic sick-person drink, and if you stir it really quickly with a spoon it gets flat which is apparently good for sick people.

And then water until your pee turns clear. This is all pretty standard advice. If you don’t know this by now I can’t help you.

3. Food
I hate eating when I’m sick. Everything just feels and tastes terrible. But, I don’t know, eating consistently keeps you alive, or so they keep telling me. I’ll basically only eat three things when I have one of these colds: soup, a different kind of soup, or a spaghetti that is more or less just a vehicle for inhaling garlic.

At home, I will follow Alex’s recommendations for ramen (although I have never fucked with avocado in ramen, I am truly impressed at her ingenuity and will have to incorporate that in an upcoming soup), just like, heat up some chicken broth, throw in a bunch of green leaves (spinach, kale, ugh), add whatever vegetables I have (broccoli and mushrooms are best in a soup scenario imho), add something VERY spicy like sriracha because that’s the only way I can taste it, and then noodles if I feel like it. Instant miso soup is another good base.

If I venture into the outside world — which I really try to avoid when I have one of these colds unless it’s a barren apocalypse in my fridge, did I mention being the mayor of snotty city — I will get pho, which is probably my favorite food no matter how sick or healthy I am. In Toronto I used to go back and forth between Golden Turtle and Pho Tien Thanh, which are actually on the same street like two blocks apart, so during my sick weeks no one would notice that I was basically eating there every single day. Clear broth is just the only thing I want when I’m sick, ok!?! Can I live???? According to my immune system, no, I cannot, but that is another story.

The spaghetti is, as I mentioned, basically just a way to eat as much garlic as I can without biting directly into a bulb. It’s just your traditional spaghetti and then I put a bunch of olive oil in a frying pan and fry a MILLION teeny-tiny garlic chips. You can also wilt some kale in there if you, like me, have made your peace with the cliché you’ve become, and also if you want those nutrients. I also always add something spicy here, like dried chile peppers. As you can imagine my breath is very sexy after I eat this.

Oh, I guess another thing I’ll eat is sushi, but really only as a vehicle for wasabi. I think the pattern is clear: whatever is going to burn a path through your sinuses will help.

4. MY ACTUAL SECRET WEAPON WHICH IS GROSS BUT WHATEVER
Remember that mean doctor I mentioned earlier? Yeah, she sucked, but before she kicked me out she gave me the best advice I’ve ever gotten: saline nasal spray. Using this…changed my life. A reasonable person might suggest that having normal working and sleeping hours is what made my colds more manageable, but they would be WRONG because I firmly believe that nothing has been as effective as this dumb gross nasal spray. My colds are, on average, 3–4 days TOPS since I started using it. It’s also good for seasonal allergies apparently. Yeah. It’s magic. Try it if you haven’t. Some of my friends prefer Neti pots, which, fine, whatever works, the important thing is to get up close and personal with your nostrils.

Other tips: DON’T answer your emails. DON’T work, even horizontally and swaddled in blankets. Think soothing, heartbeat-at-a-resting-level tips. Watch something really, really good. Get the very fancy tissues, even if the off-brand tissues are on sale, you won’t regret it. Make the main activity of your day changing from one set of pyjamas to another. And then soon you’ll be healthy again!