Fall Produce, Reviewed

by Alexandra Molotkow

Apples
A seldom discussed fact about apples is that most of them are trash. Red delicious? GOLDEN delicious? Fuji? McIntosh? Put it in a pie or GTFO. Don’t @ me with your galas, either. The gala is the H&M; of apples. Not a destination fruit.

Honeycrisps and pink ladies are the only apples worth eating for their own sake, and then only because they’re sturdy.

Squash
I like this idea of naming plants by what you do with them.

Brussels Sprouts
Why does this elegant vegetable feel so tacky?

Carrots
Since I quit smoking I’ve been pounding back carrots. Full carrots. I grab ’em and I wash ’em and I munch ’em, it’s a delight. Carrots are neither tasty nor particularly safe to eat in large quantities but they come with a satisfying grip.

Cranberries
I used to pop cranberries straight from the bag. What a stomach I had back then! Now I enjoy them dried and in sauce. I mean what is there to say about cranberries? Terrible name. “Pop’ems” would be better.

Leeks
What are leeks even? What is the difference between a leek and an onion? Oh I know, the onion has a rich, zany, complex word to represent it while a leek sounds like something that grows on the side of your toilet. Just give me an onion. Or a chive, mmm I’d love a chive. Any time I’ve had leek and potato soup it’s been watery and bland. That’s my take on leeks.

Pears
Pears are hit-or-miss, but even a bad pear is a valiant effort thanks to that sleek design and that beautiful name. Unfortunately, pears are not especially healthy as fruits go, which might explain why they go so well with unhealthy things. The pear is the useless scion of a very wealthy family. Remember when brie and pear was a bold new frontier in North American cuisine? What are ramps?

Pumpkin
The pumpkin, on the other hand, is an exceptionally talented fruit. It looks good, carved or natural. It tastes good, savory or sweet. It is a prop and a canvas and a costume and the mascot of an entire season. I even like pumpkin beer. That’s right, I do.

Sweet Potato
Less than the sum of its parts, but I won’t say no!

Cabbage
You know what I just realized? Those leafy snuggles that Peter Rabbit bounded along are the same mystery bags that stunk up our freezer for months after my Babushka came to visit.

Parsnip
I have no idea what a parsnip tastes like.