The ABCs Of Small Talk

by Alexandra Molotkow

Astrology
People who hate astrology are nerds who just don’t get it, to rag on them would be punching down, but they annoy me, so for once and for good: the question of whether it’s “real” or not is completely irrelevant. For most people, astrology serves the same purpose as an Oblique Strategies deck. It’s just a way to think about yourself and others, like a Buzzfeed quiz with a grander aesthetic.

People refer to horoscopes because life is scary and unpredictable and no one knows what’ll happen next, and it’s comforting to think maybe someone does. The purpose of any belief system is just to propose a way the world could make sense. Even a hand-drawn map from 1685 will help you get around London, and probably look neat. It’s nice to have nice things.

In conversations, astrology is mainly a way to get down to it without being intrusive. When a new acquaintance asks, “What’s your sign?” they’re not saying, “Tell me the ecliptical coordinates of your birth date so I can decide exactly who you are.” They’re saying, “But what are you really like?,” and then you get to tell them.

Boredom
Just don’t be boring! That’s all. If you can remain not boring without causing harm, you’ve done your job. But sometimes a really boring conversation is a godsend. If it’s only slightly boring, you still have to be present. If it’s totally boring you’re allowed to think about whatever you want, and how often do you get to do that?

Compliments
Nastiness is a product of boredom, not conviction: you and Katy shit-talked Kathy because it seemed like the easiest way to entertain yourselves. Just replace insults with compliments and have the exact same conversation.

Disagreement
Random disagreements about things that don’t matter are more lively than compliments, but less evil than shit-talking.

Enthusiasm
is a choice! You can get excited about someone or something, or just stand there like a polyp. Up to you.

Funny Faces
You’re going to have different kinds of chemistry with different kinds of people. Maybe words are not the most natural medium for your particular thing. I don’t mean to sound precious, all I’m saying is sometimes it’s easier and more productive to make faces at each other than to talk. Faces are funnier than most jokes.

Google Image Search
We could stand here gabbin’, or we could look at any picture we want!!!!

Hyperbole
If you’re unsure of which register to communicate in — you don’t want to be too rude, or too sucky — try a nice, deliberate hyperbole and just talk like everything’s amazing, which is only a partial lie. We’re alive at the same time!

Invisibility
It’s totally fine to stand in the corner thinking about something else. No one cares!

Jokes
Don’t worry if you’re not funny. Most people would prefer you laugh at their jokes than tell good ones.

Kooky
Crucial difference between “silly” (fun, welcoming) and “kooky” (performative, needy).

Lying
Lying, if you haven’t tried it, is really fun! Only big lies, though, no lies that even resemble IRL or that would serve you in any way. Make up a whole new history, or claim that gum is illegal in Kansas. A successful lie is pro-social, because it entertains you and your partner reciprocally. Works better for strangers at bars than at parties. Always tell them you were lying, unless you don’t care.

Misandry
Being mean is fun! But actual mean is terrible, so what compassionate individuals do sometimes is designate people to be mean to who kind of deserve it. Better to be senselessly mean to a straight white guy than a person who isn’t that. Oftimes this meanness is righteous and productive and deserved, and sometimes it’s just evil with GPS. But I’m not “on your side” SWGs so please don’t put me on your mailing list.

Normies
Literally everyone is interesting, it’s just that most people don’t know how or why. Rule of thumb for talking to boring people is only ask questions you want to know the answers to.

Openness
I have no stats to back this up, but I’d estimate the average person is 75 percent more likely to tell secrets to strangers than people they’re close to. My evidence is the wicked volume of randos who’ve buttonholed me on the street, or in the waiting room, or at the bar, and shared deeply personal and disturbing details I had no business hearing. Something in my demeanor seems to invite this sort of behavior, and to be honest, I don’t mind! Hope I helped.

Passion
If you get really excited about a thing you’re super into, there’s a 50/50 chance the other person will at least enjoy the vibes.

Questions
Ask them, you troglodyte!

Riffing
Not much to say here except don’t join in a riff until you know what it’s about.

Strangers
Are way more interesting than sort-of-friends and whatever acquaintances, so if you’re planning a party you should invite people who literally don’t know each other at all. If your friends can’t go for that, find a stranger on a bench.

Table Tennis
Beer pong, I dunno.

Umbrage
Serious umbrage is one thing, but if a party is full of nasty people, or people too exhausted to get along, another way it could get interesting is if enough people decide to hate each other for no reason that it devolves into arbitrary factions. Maybe you should plan an umbrage party where the goal is just to make new enemies and pull pranks.

Vaginas
Everyone’s got a story.

Weather
It’s totally fine to talk about the weather, the weather affects us all, why is this considered the worst possible thing to discuss with a stranger?

“X”
Outmoded names for your favorite drugs.

“You”
Is a powerful toggle switch.

Zzzz
Go home and to bed, you don’t have to explain.