Yeah, Whatever, Remake Beetlejuice

by Alexandra Molotkow

I’m not actually dreading the Beetlejuice sequel, because Beetlejuice took place in a world I’d like to revisit, and I would like to know what became of Lydia Deetz, and I strongly support the greater project of restoring Winona Ryder to her former glory. (Side note: sometimes I get this cognitive dissonance when I see Winona Ryder and have to remind myself her face is not my face and never was, not even close.)

Also, not to be too on-the-nose, but as a kid I had many dreams where I was Lydia and Betelgeuse and I were slightly-more-than-platonic friends. So I’d really like to see Michael Keaton in costume one more time, and I wouldn’t say no to a lot more Geena Davis.

One thing: Beetlejuice had a particular aesthetic, precursor to Mid-’90s Wacky but less annoying, fewer cows patterns. Maybe let’s call it Tophat Goth? Anyway, vertical stripes and claymation and ominous swirls were fun in their time but they really haven’t aged well, at some point it all became Emily Strange. I’m sure there are women out there who can pull off black-and-purple-striped tights and I dunno, haunted fimo beads, but, show them to me?