GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK

by Alexandra Molotkow

Ignorant children destroy things because it’s fun, but when you grow up you learn that flipping over tables and breaking ceramic shit with a golf club is a solemn and essential part of self-care. Hairpin pal and outspoken maximalist Isabel Slone has the scoop on RAGE ROOMS aka WHAT I NEED:

Before entering Battle Sports’ rage room, I had to sign a waiver form acknowledging that; “The rage room may result in injury, worsening of an existing medical condition, or death.” I suited up into a flimsy cotton painter’s jumpsuit in men’s size XL, strapped on a goggle helmet, and slipped into some work gloves, also men’s XL. (It appears the rage room is not built with petite women in mind.) Lined up outside the door were a selection of weapons to use at my disposal: a tennis racket, two golf clubs, two baseball bats, a shovel, a hockey stick and a crowbar.

Cheung has given me the standard five items to destroy: three mugs and two plates, plus an additional garage sale cherub ornament for free. (“Would you like something else? How about an angel.”) I picked out a golf club and closed the door, then placed a mug on the pedestal and gave it a whack. The mugs smashed artlessly, flying into big chunks on the floor. It felt awkward, like I wasn’t angry enough to be there. But the minute I experienced the elegant physics of a plate shattering beneath my club, I hit my stride. I started to feel tingly all over and picked up the pace. Line it up. SMASH! Line it up. SMASH! Soon I was in a whacking trance. I kept smashing and smashing, eventually turning my attention to the floor where I continued to club each leftover bit of ceramic, not pausing until every last shard was ground into a fine powder.

“You were very thorough in there,” Cheung remarked as I stepped out of the room.

I knew the concept from Jon’s Rage Cage on Delocated, but I never knew how real it was. “You can flip a table full of chocolates, flowers, board games or whatever you want,” says Matti McClean, who runs a table-flyppery. Capitalism: it takes… and it gives.