Five Men Talk About Going Down On Girls

by Alexandra Molotkow

1.

So when were you first aware that cunnilingus — it feels very weird saying that word, but I can’t think of a better term — 
No, we’re going to stick to that.

— was a thing that people did?
I was probably very young. We had Internet access very, very early.

You saw it in porn?
Yeah. I can’t pinpoint a moment of awareness. But I think I’ve always been the sort of person to look around and peruse. I was a bit sheltered, personally. The sex talk when we were kids was a book my parents slid under the bedroom door.

Do you remember realizing this was something you would have to do?
I don’t think “have to do” is the right language.

Or, be expected to.
I don’t even think that’s right. I think it’s exciting! You’re a young, horny, teenage boy. It wasn’t like, “Now I’ve got to do this.” I think it was more like, I saw pictures and read about things, and I had no idea what it actually was, or what was going to happen, but that also added to the excitement in an enticing kind of way.

The first sexual thing that I did with another person was me going down on someone. And I would use the term loosely, because it was a total disaster, but that was the first thing I did before getting anything, or actually having sex. I think I probably felt deeply uncomfortable about behaving entitled, so I had to, like, perform something as an initial gesture. I mean, I wanted to, of course.

Do you remember how you felt?
Terror and confusion.

How did it go?
It didn’t go terribly well. I don’t think I was yanked up in disgust or anything like that, but — it was a courtesy curtain. I don’t think anyone experienced any pleasure. But it happened. It went. It was intimidating, but also I didn’t know what to say, or ask.

How did you get comfortable asking your partners what they were into?
I think just eventually the self-consciousness goes away. A huge part of it is communication between both partners, not just in words, but also in terms of being able to read someone, how they’re feeling, what they’re enjoying, what they’re not enjoying. And the other person’s ability to express, in words and sounds and motions, what they are enjoying. There’s a huge back-and-forth going on — I think that’s probably the most important part, and that probably goes for going down on a guy also. There’s a language there, of bodies and sounds. But then also directly saying no, stop that please. [Laughs]

I was thinking, when you asked me to do this interview, about Seinfeld — the Seinfeld thing about how going down on a girl is mechanics, it’s like the twirly tongue trick. You learn the trick, and you know how to go down on a girl.

The counter-clockwise swirl.
Yeah! You learn the tricks, you memorize them, and then it’s like, I got this. But, like — it’s not. So when I was young, I think I was looking for instructions. It’s not until I started having more partners, and more experiences, that I started learning the language.

Do you talk about it with your guy friends?
If you get two men alone, I think the conversation is fine. But if you get a group of guys together, it’s just a show — I don’t even know if this has been true of my life since high school, but I know it’s a thing that exists. I don’t think you would dare say, in all honesty, I’m so curious about this, or Tell me your thoughts about this, among a lot of guys. There’s an expectation that you’re just supposed to know, like male sexuality is not learned. You’re not a real man unless you know how to please a woman, it’s never your fault, it’s always the girl, kind of thing.

Knowing how to make a girl come is something that would rank very highly on a list of things that guys wouldn’t admit to their guy friends — you wouldn’t be like, “Bros, we got a problem. Let’s rap about this.” In the world of male performativity, you have a lot of fake boasts, like, “Yeah, I do this,” which is essentially sharing information, under the guise of everyone knows it already. But really everyone’s gathering, learning.

How tied in to your masculinity would you say it is to be good at giving head?
It is connected to the idea that if you can’t make a woman come, you’re not a proper man. Even if you don’t believe that. You can be a progressive man, and that’s how patriarchy works — even if you know something ain’t right, it still kind of nags you.

The idea that I’m a good lover, even if no one else knows it — that guy can be better looking than me, but I know what I got. It’s a very comforting kind of thing, to walk around and interact with women and live your life as a sexual person knowing that if you like someone and you’re both into each other, I dunno, it’s gonna be good. For anyone who didn’t grow up at the top of the pyramid, you find the things that make you feel confident, and they’re not always that you’re the tallest, fastest, most attractive.

But I think a lot of what turns me on in sex comes from being with someone who is also turned on. And there’s something for me that changes in a sexual dynamic where someone just loses control. I’ve always liked that, and I think it’s something that has motivated me and makes me feel good, but also — it’s been a big part of my own sexuality, participating in pleasure, not just demanding it, or asking for it.

2.

So tell me about eating pussy.
I’m XXY, which means boners are rare. But performing oral has an enormously fulfilling attachment to it, dick or vag.

Can you talk a little bit about being XXY, what that is and feels like?
It just meant I didn’t go through puberty until I had T. And it’s hard for me to gain muscle or get boners. Low, low sex drive. But in me at least still a ravenous desire for intimacy. Also I’m sterile, but whatever. But I cite it as being a primary reason as to why I’m so into giving head. For me it’s the closest act to prayer in the secular world. When I was 21 I tried to rack up some record Os with my then-girlfriend, I went down on her for 90+ minutes and got her to six.

That’s insane! That would hurt. She wouldn’t be able to pee!
She was drenched in so much sweat that her navel had collected a shot. And I shot it when I was done.

So what’s the source of fulfillment?
I don’t know, the same feeling as cooking a good meal or mowing a lawn. But as a recipient of great head, I know how delirious the experience can be on that end. It’s like you’re taking a person hand-in-hand or appendage-by-appendage and showing them some infinity.

Like, an empathetic loop.
Yeah!

Is there a significant difference, as you see it, between giving head to a woman versus giving head to a man? Or giving head to a vag versus a penis.
Well physically, yes obviously. But men are more objective, so good head is about denying the conclusion. Women, though, it’s about a sense of play and exploration and variety. But, like, I’m no expert!

You sound like one!
I haven’t eaten pussy in many years. Except once. Pretty recently.

How did it go?
Prettty good. I forgot how gentle women were.

Gentle physically or like, in comportment?
Like, foreplay for two hours? Wow! I think I made her come, but if so it was a very gentle affair.

Do you remember the first time you went down on a woman?
No, actually. I do remember NOT going down on my girlfriends, despite wanting to, thinking it was a pervy thing that girls wouldn’t like. Age 13–16.

That’s interesting. Do you remember realizing it was something you’d like?
Mm, not specifically, it was always just what I’d fantasize about. But like, having no particular attachment to one’s phallus gives one a unique attitude.

What do you see as the difference between sex drive and the drive for intimacy?
Well, there is something about seeing a man with a big erect dick and a wolfish gleam in his eye and he says “you want me to fuck you?” that comes off as weird and alien. Also scenes in movies where a man is groped, or dick-pic culture, or any kind of situation that is dick-focused — these are weird to me. Penetration is normally, even in first blush, just a once-every-two-weeks sort of activity.

“Sex” is just redefined is all. Intimacy is essentially the same, but some of the best afternoons I’ve had have just involved mutual masturbation and clinging, if that makes sense.

3.

When did you first realize that cunnilingus was a thing that people did? What were your first impressions?
I am sure there were references to it in movies or on TV growing up, but I never really thought about it until my first serious girlfriend halfway through high school. It seemed like a normal step in discovering our anatomies.

Do you remember the first time you did it?
My first experience was a catastrophic failure. After enjoying a few tentative blow jobs (employing the “lick it like an ice cream cone until completion” method), I wanted to return the favor. My girlfriend at the time was extremely hairy. I wasn’t thrown off, as I had nothing else to compare against, and went for it, having a rough sense from watching porn of what I should be doing. It was like licking a cat. After a few minutes I gave up the hopeless search for her clitoris and we made out instead. I had no idea what it would look like or what to do with it besides jamming my tongue at it and hoping for the best. We never tried again.

You told me in the past that you didn’t like going down on girls. Why not?
The first experiences, plus a girlfriend that displayed less than ideal hygienic standards, left me less than enthused about cunnilingus. I ended up in serious relationship during university, where my partner refused to give blow jobs. Her explanation was that she found it unsanitary and gross. I really liked her at the time, so I had no problem eating her out endlessly. She was very clean and perfectly groomed, so it was an enjoyable experience for me. I ended up resenting her heavily after a tough breakup and realized that she was a selfish person. This tainted my views on cunnilingus for a while (during the time you and I spoke about it, probably).

Was this ever a point of conflict between you and the women that you’ve dated?
Luckily, it was never really a source of conflict. If I had a partner that refused to give blow jobs because I wouldn’t go down on them, I respected the fairness of that arrangement. I’ve had girlfriends that hated receiving cunnilingus and some that demanded more, but understood my hesitations.

My feelings about it have changed considerably in the past few years. Being in a healthy, serious, unselfish relationship for a while now, it is a normal and enjoyable part of my sex life. The nature of cunnilingus changed from a transaction (trading blowjobs) to part of a more complete sexual experience centered around sharing and working to make the other person happy.

4.

I’ve given cunnilingus! To a girl! a LIVE girl.

Wow!!

Don’t sound SO surprised babe.

How was it?
So I had this girlfriend in college (that old chestnut) — well, she was more of a stalker who I had to succumb to because of the whole “closet” thing. Anyways, she would invite me over all the time and try to do normal “dating” things like make out. One time her roomie wasn’t there. It was terrifying. And at one point we were making out. I kinda liked that. I liked how touching girls’ boobs turns them into these sort of — well, it “turns them” on, I guess, and I felt kind of removed from the whole thing, like a scientist. Her eyes were all closed and smoochy and I was like, looking down at her, feeling disembodied. I kinda enjoyed it in a way because, you know, making out is fun.

Then the feared moment came! I think we may have been disrobing from the upper body down or something, I can’t remember if our pants were off, but she kinda pushed me in that direction, and I had no choice but to go for it.

Oh my gosh. How did you feel?
Once I got down to it I found myself drudging up quotes from movies where teenagers learn to do it right, or attempt to. Things like “licking butterfly wings” and stuff like that popped into my head. Like with the boobs, I enjoyed her reactions more than anything, and to be honest, I guess the feeling I was experiencing was — power? Yikes, it feels weird to realize that.

It was a bit like trying a food you were sure you would hate. But yeah, I actually LIKED IT! I felt like I was good at it! And I wanted to do it more. I was SO RELIEVED. But basically, what I was relieved about was the distraction from penetration. I wished it lasted forever, because moments later she tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You can come up. Fuck me.” And I knew life as I knew and loved it was over.

Like, I was a virgin! So I guess I had no idea about, like, what sex was. I mean, the first time I watched a guy come from my doing was probably a similar feeling. With less fear and shame and stuff.

So it was the act of making a person come, regardless of gender?
Just the act of giving someone pleasure, I guess. Like making someone laugh. It’s just a skill in a way?

Yeah, that makes total sense. And from what you’re saying — like, the p-in-v intercourse felt more intimate and uncomfortable?
YES are you KIDDING. I mean, I was full of fear and used to it. The penetration part was really the real…reveal. Insomuch as it went horribly. Although I was into that as well, while it lasted. The whole male/female anatomy thing becomes pretty illuminating. As a gay man, the sort of Adam-and-Eve aspect that gays don’t see or know or feel or whatever. Like, the magical vagina stuff.

The magical vagina stuff?!
That’s weird to type. But I had no idea the vagina kinda changed shape and like — formed a mold to the penis. Like, it has a life of its own! It was insaaane. Buttholes aren’t like that.

It was weird, but amazing. I actually felt a little, like — whats the word — cheated. Once I had gay sex.

Why do you think the oral was less scary than the penetrative sex?
It’s a bit more removed in a way? Like, you can give a blowjob to someone just to get it over with, or if you don’t like them as much or something, just to satisfy the moment. I think it was a specifically gay shame moment maybe. But I think what you’re asking is, how some people find fucking less intimate than eating out, and some guys really fear it and find it dirty or unhygienic with their mouths but fine with their dicks? Also because they’re selfish and don’t have a reason to find pleasure in it.

Yeah. I mean, there’s that John Waters quote, “you can’t fake eatin’ pussy”
Hahaha. You can’t!? Like I said, I actually wasn’t faking in that moment, thankfully. I found it really fun. I went on for years about how good I was at it. And then one time I was telling the story to this person and she said, “Um, no you weren’t.” And I said “why,” and she said, “No girl would ever tell you to come up.”

I wasn’t going to say anything, but… Did you ever try it again?
No, but I wanted to. This girl who told me I was wrong, we said we would trade skills, like she would teach me pussy and I would teach her dick. But of course it never happened. I guess if I ever got in a weird threesome with a straight couple, that’s probably my most likely opportunity.

I always wanted to try it again, and not be one of those gays that feared the vagina. But realistically, I can’t see me going one on one with a girl again, if only because it was so traumatizing the first time. Like, in a failure kind of way. Failure to please, sure, but also a sort of final failure to cover up the gay thing. A physical, sort of unavoidable failure.

What sort of response do you normally get when you tell that story?
Well, it’s usually straight rocker guys who wanna talk to the fag about pussy. But in a gross way — they just wanna talk about pussy as gross guys, but with this phony level of fascination. I started to rely on it in bars with guy friends, when I got bored and wanted to talk about sex. But I always ended up hating them. I was like — “OK, your turn! Have you ever sucked a cock?” And it just wasn’t an option to talk about, even if they had.

Anyways. Did you glean anything from the tale?

Yes, absolutely. It’s a really nice story! Aside from the fact that you felt coerced. That part sounds awful.
Well, yeah. Ugh, that hallways was SO LONG. And dark.

Is there a usual response, or range of responses, when you tell gay male friends that story?
It’s funny — I cant remember! I think I usually tell girls. I mean, I sort of tend to be around girls. I don’t think they are like, “Ewwwwwww!!” or whatever. I mean, I think fags would wanna know if they haven’t tried! It’s like, you don’t wanna smoke crack, but you might want to hear it described.

Wait. That’s not right.

What if it is right?
I mean, crack is supposed to be wonderful! It just ruins your life. Like pussy.

5.

Do you remember when you first realized that cunnilingus was a thing?
I think most people in our age bracket probably see it in pornography before we have any idea what is what, and porn makes seem kind of easy, because it always goes well. So you’re just like, Yeah, it’ll be fine! You just stick your face in there, and she’s really happy. And then obviously when you’re 15 or 16, and it comes up, it’s a rude awakening.

I remember being really excited about it, then being like, Oh my god, I have no idea what’s going on here, and she doesn’t seem impressed.

So you remember the first time you went down on a girl?
Yeah, it was my first major girlfriend in high school, and we never slept together but we did everything else. We were at a mutual friend’s house at a party. It didn’t go as terribly as I made it sound. I don’t know if she was humoring me, because I was very much in the dark. But yeah, it went OK. It was fine. We were pretty comfortable with each other at that point. And that was as far as I’d ever been with a girl, and I guess it felt like a point of pride.

What were you proud of?
I think at that point in life, every sexual milestone is significant. You feel like once you get it all out of the way, it’ll be easy. It made me feel a little more confident with girls, like there were things I could do. But I was still nervous about it. Even still, with new people, I’m always a little nervous about it.

Do you remember being scared of the… mechanism?
Yes. I remember literally not knowing what was what, like having no idea. I sort of understood that the clit was important, but I didn’t fully understand why, or — yeah, “mechanism” is probably the best word for it. I was too rough, and had to be told, No, it’s really, really sensitive, like really sensitive! And yeah, it was also the first time I’d ever seen someone’s pussy, like, that close. So you’re also getting a lot of information at once, even outside the scope of what you’re doing. It’s pretty intense.

Did it look the way you expected it to?
Yes, and no. Obviously you see a lot of vaginas before you see one in real life. But I think a lot of sensational things — like scent, and smell, and taste and all that stuff, was pretty new. I guess that sensual element of it gets brushed over, especially in the bad pornography you’re watching.

Do you remember how you felt about those other sense impressions?
Yeah. I loved it. Those are the parts of it that, as a guy — I think a lot of guys who are turned on by it are turned on by those things, like taste and smell, and the way that your partner responds. So definitely those things solidified it as like, a fantasy, and not just something I wanted to do as a rite of passage, or for the sake of someone else. It became sexual for me.

How did you get the hang of it?
Well, I think through meeting different partners and being in drastically different situations, and realizing that it’s not just a skill you learn and you have it, you have to relearn it again and again. Which is great, but sometimes it would also bum me out. There have definitely been partners where it’s a really fundamental part of sex, and then there are partners where it just never really panned out — either they’re not into it as much as other people, or I just never get the knack. There’s nothing worse than giving someone bad head, nothing more like — Ugh, makes you want to crawl out of your skin. When someone’s like, “Just kiss me,” or whatever, “Ah, let’s just fuck.” You’re like [sad, defeated] “yeah. OK.”

So going down on girls is something that you fantasize about. Without asking you to be too graphic — be as graphic as you’re comfortable being — can you tell me what those fantasies consist of?
I was in an accident, and one of the major changes afterward was that it was a lot harder to come. And one of the things that would help me come was eating pussy. Like, I would need my partner to sit on my face, or I would need to jerk off while eating pussy, for a while. It was a solid three or four months where this was in my personal fantasies, and even with partners, that was how I wanted to finish. And I thought about why a lot. I think sense is a big part of it: just having that stimuli, which you might get less of in sex. You get the visual, and it heightens your sense of smell, which can be really effective, and really engrossing.

What part do you see yourself playing, in the dynamic of those fantasies?
Well, sometimes there’s an element of submissiveness to it. Like, having someone sit on your face is a somewhat submissive thing. It’s interesting to do it as a means to getting yourself off, because it’s traditionally the opposite, obviously. You’re essentially getting yourself off on getting someone else off. And I don’t know where that places me, in terms of a power dynamic. That’s an interesting question that I don’t totally know the answer to.

How much does hair and grooming and stuff matter to you? Do you find that women worry about it?
Not a ton. Scent is very important to me. But I like, you know, musk, and a strong scent. I’m not easily put off. Grooming isn’t hugely important. I mean, it can slow you down to get hair in your teeth, but I’ve had people who were shaved, I’ve had people who did not at all, people who trim. More when I was younger, women were more worried about their grooming, and about when the last time they showered was. I think they sensed an inflated importance of it, for men, or more likely had dated someone who was an asshole about it. And I would go out of my way to make it clear that it wasn’t a big deal.

Do you remember the first time you really felt like you had done the job successfully?
Yeah. I mean, I remember the first time I made someone come, and how exciting that was. It was the best! I just remember watching her face, and the way her body moved, and that was really — I don’t know, it left an impression, and it was really something I associated with my sexual memory of her.

When I call to mind how I remember someone, in terms of sex, it’s often what they look like when they come. I don’t know if it’s a true window into the soul, but it can feel that way sometimes.