Artisanal Teen Drinking Cocktail Recipes
Prom season is here and horny teens are thirsty for cheap liquor and mayhem. But just because you’re a refined artisanal adult you can still be horny for nostalgia. No matter your age, these classic underage cocktails are sure to make prom night a night to remember.
The Finger Bang
This iconic cocktail comes to us courtesy of the world’s oldest teen drinking establishment — your folks’ bar. Although this recipe includes numerous ingredients, most can be substituted for whatever liquor is leftover from your brother’s bar mitzvah.
To make the Finger Bang you will need:
1 finger (~1 oz.) Hendrick’s Gin
1 finger vermouth (sweet or dry)
1 finger Rose’s Sweet Lime Juice
1 finger Sambuca (may be substituted with tequila or port wine)
Juice of ½ lemon
Carefully combine all four fingers in the tight orifice of a plastic Poland Springs water bottle. Cap bottle and fumble blindly until stirred. Manually stimulate ½ lemon in the back row of a movie theater until it yields 2–3 tablespoons juice. Combine ingredients and enjoy at room temperature. Call your best friend immediately after drinking.
The Bath and Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry
The tentative raspberry notes of this cocktail reflect a local terroir of body anxiety, peer pressure, and girl-on-girl bullying. The Bath and Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry is the perfect match for a night in with the clique bullying Stephanie via AIM for not knowing what a blowjob is.
You will need:
1.5 oz. Burnett’s raspberry vodka (sourced via older brother or morally lax adult coworker)
10 oz. Mega-C Vitamin Water Zero (grape + raspberry flavor)
10 red Skittles
Without adult supervision, muddle 10 red Skittles. Stir remaining ingredients carefully, making sure not to spill on the rug because Brianna’s parents will totally kill her. Drink quickly and quietly because Brianna’s parents are right upstairs. Vomit loudly into a PB Teen butterfly chair.
Blue Pad Liquid Shooter
Did you know you are not a virgin if you use a tampon? Are there two holes or three? Can you get pregnant if a boy gets sperm on his hand and then fingerbangs you in a hot tub? Absorb the Blue Pad Liquid Shooter into your system for a memorable night of sexually-charged confusion with the girls.
You will need:
1 oz. Hpnotiq blue liqueur
.5 oz. Sugar-Free Red Bull
10 mg. Adderall
In a folded sheet of printer paper, use a bottle of Britney Spears Fantasy perfume to crush the Adderall into a fine dust. Press the rim of a chilled shot glass into the pile of stimulant powder, and fill with remaining ingredients. The Blue Pad Liquid Shooter will keep you going well past 10pm, when your town’s all-ages nightclub closes.
Camel Crush Aperitif
Just one month ago, you were gagging performatively in an effort to shame people smoking outside the Jewel-Osco. Tonight, you are Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The Camel Crush Aperitif is the perfect prelude to your first menthol cigarette. Inhale this drink without reservations and you will be the coolest girl in the parking lot of the condo community across the street from your high school. Gather the following ingredients:
1.5 oz. peppermint schnapps
3 oz. Colt 45 malt liquor (may substitute Steel Reserve or Olde English 800)
1 cigarette
Break the cigarette like Nick did to your hymen in the back of his Jetta and set aside the tobacco. In a Nalgene that has never been washed, shake the peppermint schnapps and malt liquor with ice. Strain into a Solo cup and garnish the frothy head with loose tobacco. Drinking this will make you popular just do it.
Jamie Lauren Keiles is the last enthusiastic person in New York.