Selected Recent Google Searches And Their Meaning
by CatherineMcCormick
mexico luxury whale watch wedding lesbians: What more natural symbiosis than two lesbian brides and the cetaceans they love? My fiancée is far more down to earth than I am, but I just thought I’d check if there was a way to view the whales more luxuriously than regular. Say, in a silk-draped catamaran with velvet cushions and bottles of Moët at the ready?
dilated pore of winer definition: Warning I am gross, I love gross things and this is gross. You’ve been warned. My YouTube “suggested videos” page is a hot mess right now and a source of much shame.
zealots fugees: The intro alone is my gateway to the sense memory of 1996: acrid schwag weed smoke burning the eyes; the heavy, verdant humidity of a central New Hampshire summer; the the oily-crunchy-creamy delights of crab rangoon delivered from the only Chinese joint in town; the burnt electronics smell of an NES system run past its breaking point. Fugees, we hardly knew ye. RIP.
celebrities who secretly died of aids: I fell down this rabbit hole after reading this MetaFilter thread about this Reddit thread about the AIDS crisis in San Francisco in the 80s and 90s. Having lost someone to the disease in that era, this kind of reading generates a heady mix of empathy, rage, and cathartic, ugly crying.
Toronto mystery tunnel: The Swiss Family Robinson side of my brain is very into this mystery tunnel. Then I have to remind myself I couldn’t even live in a basement apartment, let alone a literal hole in the ground.
short hair perm 1980s modern version: Because I believe that Barbra Streisand’s short perm phase was a secret message to me in the future.
same sex babies biological: After referring to this article in a Gchat convo slash planning what my future wife and I are going to do, procreationally-speaking. I then spent another 20 minutes searching “baby face generator photos upload free”.
norovirus versus food poisoning symptoms rash: Let’s just say the dinner party was very memorable and leave it at that.
stephanie guckawitch weather/stephanie yuckavitch weather/stephanie vukovich weather: Turns out my fiancée meant EMILY VUKOVIC which you will notice is a completely different name than the one she had me searching for. I was talking about a different Weather Network anchor anyway. One who doesn’t even merit a bio on the Weather Network’s website.
cherry silverberry: I mean, this is why we will all be eating jellyfish only diets in 20 years, right? (see also my panicked weekly search for “Jellyfish taking over the sea”)
vintage first communion dress pattern scaled up: Because old first communion outfits are literally the cutest, I’ve decided this is exactly how we should dress. Especially since as of this morning my babe says the whale watching idea is out.
Catherine McCormick is a comedian and writer who lives in Toronto and tweets @McCormCorp. She has a puppy named Peggy.
Matt Lubchansky is a tall male cartoonist with a beard and glasses, and that’s all he’ll ever be.