Girl, Bye (No, Really, Bye, This Is My Last Day)

I’ve fantasized about my last day at the Hairpin for a while now: I’d be standing at the altar with The Billfold’s Mike Dang, Haley would be smiling beatifically in the front row, having given me away because she’s, like, the oldest person I know and it just seems fitting; Choire, looking bored; Balk in a Brooks Brothers suit, argyle socks, and loafers, avoiding street style cameras; the Awl boys, mysteriously disappeared, HTML tags hanging open like they just stepped out for some air; Anna, arriving late, hiding a shovel behind her petticoat, mouthing it’s done to Haley; Dusty, Macher, Ester, and Meg all in bridesmaids dresses behind me; Frucci at home because he wasn’t invited. I’d take Mike Dang’s hand, disregard his prenup, and say, “I think I’m done blogging now. I think I’m done.”

But that’s not how it happened, and here we are. Today is my last day as the contributing editor of the Hairpin dot com backslash placenta. In order to cushion the blow, here are some articles that I wanted to start, but never got around to doing:

Next Monday I am headed over to the New York Times, to help them edit their magazine’s website and to completely divest them of any and all snacks. I’m beyond excited and a little scared, but I am so, so sad to leave you all. Editing the Hairpin was an actual dream come true; about a year ago, I emailed Emma Carmichael like “hello I had a dream you hired me at the Hairpin” and she was like “who is dis” but it all ended OK. When I started six months later, I told people one of two things: 1) oh my god who knew I was such a nervous pooper and 2) I am having the time of my life. Neither has changed.

I’ve been thanking people in small doses over the past few weeks, but it hasn’t gotten any easier. So here’s the big push: first, huge *praise hands emoji* to each and every one of you. It has been such a placenta-covered pleasure to edit and comment with and tweet at and email with all of you. I’m a better blogger for it!! Next: thank you to Choire and Balk, literally the only white men worth listening to. And even still: I rarely listened! And yet how I learned. The entire I Can Haz crew (fun fact this is the legal name of the Awl corporation. “LOL” — not my bank) are all sweet people with terrible taste in office music. Also, I went very quickly from not knowing anything about America’s Sweetheart and UTI Queen Anna Fitzpatrick to regularly thinking “God, where would we be without Anna Titspatrick” because we are now friends/I am a pervert. Anna is going to singlehandedly run the forthcoming Drake vertical so please send her your pitches!!!

Now here comes the hard part: I have a lot of feelings on Haley B.E.R.T.H.A. Mlotek, undercover brunette, ardent dick enthusiast, and future American. I am saving the majority of them for a 128-minute interpretive dance that I will debut when she moves to Brooklyn (surprise!), but I will say this: Haley Mlotek is gold. She is endlessly brilliant and generous and kind and tireless and funny and all kinds of unstoppable; she has taken her tiny baby hands (oh my God, let’s talk about Haley’s hands for a HOT SECOND. They are so freaky!!!!!) and whipped up some magic around these parts, and boy, we are so #blessed to have her. I’ll miss her most of all.

OK NOW I’M CRYING GOTTA BLOG THROUGH THE TEARS. But never fear!!! Starting Monday everybody’s friend and the Jazmine Hughes of Queens JAYA SAXENA is going to fill in as interim editor for the month of April!!!!! You’re going to have so much fun. Catch you later.