A Satisfying End-of-Relationship Goods Exchange In Three Acts

by Maria Yagoda

Characters
Maria, the hero
Jen, the roommate
Bob, the garbage can

ACT ONE

Maria
To refresh: What tone are we striking?

Jen
Cordial but chilly; needlessly professional; bemused but indifferent; vaguely antagonized; cheerful but disgusted.

Maria
And if he asks how I am?

Jen
Busy. You’ve been busy…going out, going to the gym. And you’ve been sexual, attending to all sorts of sex things and sex matters.

Maria
What else? What about a glow?

Jen
You have this glow about you, this lightness, like a very large — obese, even — weight has been lifted off of you.

Maria
Look at him when —

Jen
I will look at him when I say “obese.”

Maria
Make sure he has my vibrator, too, but make sure he knows that it’s more of a relic, a sentimental artifact made redundant by the routine intercourse I’m having.

Jen
I don’t love this.

Maria
Ok thanks leaving now.

ACT TWO

Bob
Jen.

Jen
Bob.

Bob
How’s it going?

Jen
Good. You?

Bob
This has all been pretty difficult.

Jen
I can imagine. I can imagine.

Bob
I really cared about her — I hope you know that, and I hope she knows that.

Jen
Who?

Bob
Uh, Maria?

Jen
Oh right, Maria, yes, yes, yes, sorry. My roommate and friend, Maria, yes. She’s just been going out so much. To the clubs, to sexy single clubs. She’s never really around anymore.

Bob
It’s only been four days.

Jen
And what a sexy four days it has been! Please, please, come in. Here, let me take her stuff. Looks like you brought everything.

Bob
Is that…a trail of condom wrappers leading to Maria’s door?

Jen
Oh, that? Yes. That’s exactly what that is.

Bob
Hey, I had a t-shirt here. Do you know if Maria still has it?

Jen
I’m sorry, who are you?

Bob
Bob? We’ve hung out several times and are five minutes into a conversation.

Jen
It’s funny because “Bob” doesn’t ring any bells. I’ve never even really known anyone to be named “Bob.”

Bob
I should probably go.

Jen
Robert is to “Bob” as Richard is to “Dick.” Sort of antiquated, no? But, please, you’ll have to excuse me. My mind is all over the place.

Bob
Is everything okay?

Jen
I haven’t been sleeping well. Why? Because of all the noise.

Bob
Yeah, your room is street-side. There’s the traffic, the M train —

Jen
It’s been more an issue of Maria’s noisy sex. Her room is right beneath mine. And, Blob, it’s constant. Super hot, though. You know: YES, YES, YES, THERE, THERE, THERE, FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY. It’s loud because her partners are hitting spots that haven’t really been engaged for a while.

Bob
 :/

Jen
Something about a glow.

Bob
 🙁

Jen
Well, thanks again for coming by with this, even though she didn’t really need any of it back.

Bob
What do you mean?

Jen
She has all new possessions now — you know, from sugar daddies and media moguls. Diamonds, furs, designer jeans. Gemstones. Plus, these men aren’t even that old, so it’s not depressing.

Bob
I’ve made a huge mistake. And I did it because I’m lame.

Jen
I see that, I see that. Hey, did you still want your t-shirt?

Bob
Right, yeah, that would be great. Do you know where it is?

Jen
Oh no, I don’t, I’m sorry if you got that impression. What I meant was that Maria threw it in the garbage because she used it to bathe her new pomeranians and it never fit you anyway.

Bob
Damn, you’re right. She’s right. And beautiful.

Jen
Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else who’s perfect. You know how society is, how sitcoms are…men can be so grubby and do just fine.

Bob
I’ve made a huge mistake.

Jen
Obese, even.

ACT THREE

Maria
Oh hey, Jen, and…I want to say Travis?

Bob
It’s been four days and we dated for a year. Bob. It’s Bob.

Maria
You’ll have to excuse me, Brent. Very late night. A pleasure meeting you.

Bob
No one is named Brent.

Maria
Thank God there’s this condom wrapper trail leading to my room, or else I wouldn’t know how to get there. Can you imagine? I’ve been giving and receiving so much oral sex that my sense of direction is wrecked. Wrecked like my breasts, little love nibbles everywhere. I don’t know what’s up, what’s down, what’s sideways.

Bob
No one is ever going to give me a blow job again.

Maria
(looks down at phone)
Twenty-seven missed calls from Oprah? Love her but come on.

Maria Yagoda is a writer living in New York who aspires to own several dogs with underbites.