Face Masks with Absolutely No Placenta Listed in the Ingredients

Here are three face masks I have in current rotation, as well as a guide to using them appropriately and some little-known facts about the restorative powers of slathering a fine layer of goo over your lady face in order to trick a man into thinking you’re pretty and then marrying you, lol, shoutout to my husband if he’s reading this. None of them contain placenta because I have tried to be open-minded about the fact that The Hairpin is now exclusively a placenta products blog but honestly I am struggling with it at this point in time.

1. Chamomile Concentrate Anti-Blemish Masque, Aesop
Definitely my favorite, two tiny thumbs way up, I love this masque so much. The fact that they spell it with the “que” should tell you just how fancy you’ll feel when you spread a very thin layer over your red pimply cheek while you think about how great and clear your skin was when you were eating well and exercising all the time and hope that you can buy your way to a conventional level of attractiveness because that is about all the effort you can be bothered to put it into anything that is not work/red-wine based social gatherings/all-day GChat conversation/constantly refreshing Twitter-related.

This is the masque I use when I really want to look nice but I don’t have a lot of time; it dries in like five minutes, tops, so I put it on right before I get into the shower and I really do think my skin looks AND feels better immediately afterwards. Also it smells so good!!

Good for: people who believe acne is their body judging them for their poor life decisions.

2. Luminizing Black Mask, Boscia
Very good mask, not as fancy in the spelling, but still worth a try. I have heard from some friends with sensitive skin that it can be a little irritating, so, you know, I guess this is the obligatory part of my #beauty #content when I tell you to always do a patch test before a full face; drink the milk without buying the cow etc. Taking it off in front of a friend or a husband is always great because it looks fucking horrifying when you’re peeling it off your face. It “dries,” I guess, but the consistency stays kind of slick, so you look like you are peeling off whatever that black goo Scarlett Johansson trapped her victims with in Under The Skin, have you seen that? I just watched it, I liked it, I like any horror movie about torturing men that reminds me of my beauty products, so.

Good for: people who like to terrify their friends/roommates/significant others with their skincare regimens, also probably for people with tough not-sensitive skin shells and who want a good solid layer of skin removed.

3. Clear Improvement Active Charcoal Mask, Origins
Just bought this impulsively last weekend. I went into Sephora for “one quick second” to just replace “one moisturizer,” ALWAYS a terrible idea, I can’t even tell you what I bought or what I spent because listen I’ve already told you way too much about me and even I have my limits, but this was a last-minute addition to those little baskets Sephora employees hand out smugly like “lol yeah right you’re only buying the amount of products you can fit in your tiny hands just take this and give us all your money you dumb bitch.” Anyway what was I saying? Oh right, this mask. Yes. I am glad I bought it. I had been wanting a really traditional clay/charcoal type mask for those days when I just feel really UNCLEAN. Last Wednesday I had the worst day, like I commend the universe for the “kick me” sign it put on my back because it was truly effective, and so I went out for “just for one drink” which is basically like the “just running into Sephora for one product” of bars, and when I woke up the next morning I very calmly went straight to this bottle and slathered SO much ALL over my face and sat on the floor beside my bed with my back up against the frame until I could feel the mask crackling — this mask has a very satisfying multi-sensory layer to it, I love hearing it dry — and then I got up and took the HOTTEST shower and came out with all my problems and stresses steamed away. It was great.

Good for: people who are little babies about normal problems and like to put a skincare-treatment buffer between a bad day and a good day.

HONORARY MENTION: Fabulous Face Oil, Aesop
I use this every night. Lol jk I use this on the nights when I actually feel like taking care of my skin (a generous estimate would put this occurrence at three-four times per week) and it also smells so good. It feels so good. Like of all the dumb superfluous products you don’t really need but rely on because they relax some base part of your lady brain, an OIL is SURELY the most luxurious texture available on the market. The product comes in a DROPPER. That is some top-notch-boss-lady-self-care-treat-yourself shit.

Good for: people who know they’re fucking worth it (you).

Previously: What Happens If You Put Placenta On Your Face?