A Prayer for Cookie Lyon

By The Hairpin March 18, 2015

by Liz Galvao

Dear Cookie Lyon:
Empress of the Empire,
Fabulosticator of Fabulosticators,
Dranker of Purple Drank,
And Haver of That Ass,

In your name,
we pray:

That all the birds
and small furry animals
who’ve donated themselves
to your wardrobe
lived long and happy lives;

That all these chilly bitches
who are not on your level
will sit down
and shut up;

That Courtney Love’s Elle will prevail
and will provide
so that both you and she
shall hath the redemption
you both so richly deserve;

That one day
we will understand
what exactly is Andre’s unique brand
of mental illness
which involves
intermittent Hulk rages,
shower crying,
resentful pill-taking
and an icy hot wife?

That Hakeem may forgive you
before Naomi Campbell
eats him alive
in a bathtub;

That Jamal may be spared
from the mugging he surely deserves
after singing his version of
“Banging on a Trash Can”
at 3AM
in his ambiguously “bad”
neighborhood;

That one day it will be known
why this show films in Chicago
if it’s set in New York;

And why no one
I repeat
no one
has mentioned
the Ice Bucket Challenge
not even once;

And another thing —
why hath no one uttered the words
“paternity test”
when it comes to Raven-Symoné’s kid?
pretty sure
you can buy them
over the counter
now;

O, Cookie —
Doer of Time,
Producer of Producers,
Manager of the Unmanageable,
And Mother of Lyons,

In your name,
we pray:

That Lucious
may never break your heart again
because honestly
you deserve better

I mean
what kind of douchebag
proposes to his new lady
on his anniversary
with his ex?
gross.
even looking like Terrence Howard…
gross;

That you may continue
not to take his shit
not to entertain his homophobia
and not to lie
about the sex you’re having with him;

That Becky and Porscha
may continue to be
the best characters
on this show
besides yourself;

That you shall never know
a single room
that lacks
for a Kehinde Wiley painting;

And that we may never again wonder
if we’re really,
truly,
sincerely,
really,

supposed to take
“Drip Drop”
seriously?

In your name,
we pray —

drip
drop
drip drippity
drop

amen.

Liz Galvao is a comedy writer and the music editor of BUST Magazine. You can find out more about her Cookie-based religion by following her on Twitter or subscribing to her Weird Personal Emails here.