Sunset Boulevard
by The Hairpin
No one is safe from a potential remake on our Casting Couch, not even Based God Billy Wilder. The cast for the original Sunset Boulevard was incredibly meta; we’re following suit in our proposed update for the TMZ era. You’re welcome, Hollywood.
Gloria Swanson = Lindsay Lohan
“I am big, it’s the pictures that got small!” Who else in Hollywood could deliver that classic line with more resonance than Lohan? Swanson, an icon of the silent era, received a career boost by vamping on the perception of herself as a “faded star.” So too could Lohan, once the queen bee of the Disney teen kingdom.
William Holden = Joseph Gordon-Levitt
He’s already proven that he can talk the talk with his turn as a high-school private dick in Brick. And as you can see, he still looks dapper even while floating dead in that swimming pool.
Erich von Stroheim = Werner Herzog
For the role of Max, Norma Desmond’s stoic and loyal butler, we’d need to follow the profile of Erich von Stroheim: a German-speaking director/actor who is adored by cinephiles. Enter the Grizzly Man himself, Werner Herzog.
Cecil B. DeMille = Steven Spielberg
Last, and perhaps most meta of all, is casting the “character” of Cecil B. DeMille. One of the most famous and successful filmmakers of all time, his name is synonymous with cinema; saying it aloud conjures the image of a man sitting in a director’s chair shouting through a bullhorn. He played himself in Sunset Boulevard and actually directed Gloria Swanson in several of his biggest silent films. For sheer brand name recognition, no other living director is better suited for this role than little Stevie. Just think of how the last line could sound: “I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. Spielberg.”
Previously: “Reservoir Bitches”
Casting Couch is a new regular column on The Hairpin. Photoshop artistry and casting choices by Daniel Reis as certain Hairpin staffers shouted in his face about Lindsay Lohan. Like our choices? Hate them? Are you from Hollywood and want to give us all your jobs? Email [email protected].