“Reservoir Bitches”

by The Hairpin

This week’s Casting Couch is by special request — Reservoir Dogs is the favorite movie of one Anna Fitzpatrick, our totally real and not at all imaginary staff writer. And so we present: Ms. White, Ms. Orange, Ms. Blonde, Ms. Pink, Ms. Blue, Ms. Brown, Nice Gal Eddie, and Jo in the all-women version of Reservoir Dogs. YOU’RE WELCOME, HOLLYWOOD.

Harvey Keitel = Viola Davis
This role requires toughness and vulnerability, an actor who can break someone’s skull and have their heart broken too. Davis is all of those things every week on How to Get Away with Murder; she’ll be even better on the wrong side of the law.

Tim Roth = Claire Danes
When the character calls for the best ugly-cry performer in the game? Accept no substitues.

Michael Madsen = Juliette Lewis
She’s charming, she’s dangerous, and I’m certain she can top Madsen’s dance moves.

Steve Buscemi = Kristen Stewart
Stewart seems like she doesn’t believe in tipping IRL.

Lawrence Tierney = Wanda Sykes
I’d let her ad-lib the entire scene where she assigns the famous color-coded nicknames to the crew.

Chris Penn = Danielle Brooks
Sykes and Brooks are the perfect mother-daugher team. Plus, this remake would remain set in the early 1990s so that they can keep the tracksuit and Zack-Morris-cellphone.

Edward Bunker = Sandra Bernhard
Yes, it’s a micro-sized role, but I miss Bernhard! Do yourself a favour and watch The King of Comedy!

Quentin Tarantino = Drew Barrymore
I would love to see her perform the legendary “Like a Virgin” monologue in her stoner drawl. Also, Drew Barrymore is a great director! Whip It was the best film of 2009! Just my view.

BONUS VOICE-OVER ROUND!
Steven Wright = Fran Lebowitz
As the heard-but-not-seen radio host of “K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies”, you need a deep, distinct voice to guide us through the classic soundtrack. Why Lebowitz doesn’t already have a radio show is beyond me, but she’s the next best thing.

Previously: Working Girl

Casting Couch is a new regular column on The Hairpin. Photoshop artistry and casting choices by Daniel Reis as certain Hairpin staffers shouted in his face about Kristin Stewart. Like our choices? Hate them? Are you from Hollywood and want to give us all your jobs? Email [email protected].