Reasons Why You’re Single

You’re probably single because men find you so intimidating, you know, because of the way you aren’t afraid to speak your mind and the way you bathe in the blood of virgins.

Men are just intimidated by your confidence and the bees that shoot from your mouth whenever you laugh.

Men are nervous to talk to somebody who runs her own successful small business and who is widely rumored to be the Zodiac killer.

Don’t take it personally! Men aren’t really used to dealing with a woman whose body is actually made up of hundreds of tiny little venomous spiders and who knows a lot about Radiohead.

Do you even want to be with a guy who is threatened by the idea of you being funnier than he is or of your collection of heads on pikes?

Dating is hard enough for most people, let alone a strong, independent woman who can light buildings on fire with her mind.

Men are probably intimidated by the fact that you’re friends with a lot of dudes and have that henchman who sits outside your front door all night swinging a rusty machete back and forth, back and forth.

I read somewhere that men don’t like dating women who have short hair and a list of enemies to kill. Jeez, I’m not saying I agree with them! I’m just telling you what I heard.