How Sarah Koenig Would Describe Various Celebrities If They Were Ever Interviewed on Serial

1. “The first thing I noticed about ____ was her expertly applied makeup; every time she blinked in my direction, I swear I felt an extra gust of wind. Weird. ____ was sophisticated, girly, even, but had a real sense of tech and video games. I couldn’t tell if she was rich or not — she had impeccable fashion sense, but her bag was streaked with paint, almost like a child did it, and her phone was even older than mine — and I’m old.”

2. “I called _____ one Sunday afternoon and he sounded hungover but deeply confident. We spoke for a while — he was incredibly intelligent and well-spoken, but also had the sense that he was deeply funny, almost as if no one had ever not laughed at one of his jokes before. I laughed at all of his jokes, which, I know, pathetic, right? But I want to think about where you were at 32: coddled, praised for everything, wildly overpaid. Just think: wouldn’t you be a little pompous too?”

3. “_____ is about ten, but has the maturity and brain capacity of a much older person — I actually felt a little dumb talking to him. He’s short, and he’s got a cute, cherubic face topped with bright orange curls. He’s adorable looking, but you definitely don’t want to mess with him.”

4. “When I first met ______ in person, I was struck by two things. He was way smaller than I expected — lanky and of average height. In the photos I’d seen, he was a muscular, barrel chested man covered in tattoos. Wishful thinking? And the second thing, which you can’t miss about _____, is that he has small, beady eyes like a reptile.”

5. “_____ is witty, smart, and a little rude; she seemed really interested in my snack drawer, and smelled faintly of Shake Shack. I asked her a couple of questions, but, ultimately, I think _____ is just too lazy to kill, which not something I’d say about everyone. To be thorough, though, I did some research on her — -she has a blog, which she said would explain everything I needed to know, but I couldn’t really make sense of it. The blog, by the way — well, I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting her blog to be like, but it’s such an adult teen’s blog. But there was one name that kept appearing, so I decided to do a little research. Who was Drake, and why was he so sad?”

ANSWER KEY:
1. Kim Kardashian
2. Colin Jost
3. Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory
4. Justin Bieber
5. Literally either me or Haley who even knows