The Scientific Reasons Behind Fashion Don’ts

Don’t wear white after Labor Day. White appears in stark contrast to fall foliage, making the wearer a prime target for bear attacks.

Don’t wear socks with sandals. Particularly thick socks, as it will create friction with the sandal, creating a small, concentrated fire that cooks the wearer’s feet causing them to smell like hot dogs and thereby attracting bears.

Don’t mix plaid and polka dots. These are known to have a “magic eye effect” when combined, forming an optical illusion so that the wearer appears to be a picnic basket filled with sandwiches. Science dictates that bears love picnic baskets and will try to eat you.

Don’t wear horizontal stripes. Particularly black and white stripes. This will make you look like a French intellectual, which will get bears worked up as they have a deep interest in existential philosophy which never gets nurtured as the other forest-dwelling creatures are uncultured buffoons who only care about pop culture ephemera that appeals to the lowest of common denominators and stop trying to get Bear to watch Friends with you on Netflix, Caribou! Bear has other things to do! Bears will sidle up next to you with wide eyes believing that you will be the one to pull them out of their slump of banality, only to realize that your reading of Sartre’s Being and Nothingness is pedestrian first-year university bullshit at best and you are just a stripe-y shell of empty promises and you will break that bear’s heart and nobody should have to bear (hah) that guilt.

Don’t wear Uggs. Bears will see your big, brown, fuzzy round feet and assume that you are mocking them. Bears hate being mocked.

Definitely don’t wear a shirt that says “I ❤ Bears.” Bears hate pandering even more than being mocked.

Image via Flickr user Arend Vermazeren