Susie Snake’s New Adventure In The Big City

“Officials in San Diego are trying to sort out how a 5 1/2-foot snake wound up in a toilet at an office building.

Stephanie Lacsa told San Diego County authorities she noticed the water level in the toilet was higher than usual when she went to the second-floor restroom Tuesday. When she plunged it, a snake popped up and flicked its tongue.

How it got in the toilet remains a mystery.”

Susie sighed over her dinner. Sewer rat, again. It was hard to believe that there was a time when this would be considered her favorite, but that was before she had it for dinner last night, and the night before before that for the past — God, she can’t even remember when she had something else.

“What’ssssssss wrong, babe?” asked her husband Spencer from across the dining room table, which was actually just a soggy old pizza box.

Susie looked into his eyes, which was hard, because the eyes were on the side of her head, and she kind of had to tilt her neck a little, and by “neck” I mean “body,” because she was a snake.

She loved Spencer deeply, but it was hard not to resent him. When he was brought to the Reptile House, he seemed…different from the other snakes. He was scrappier, edgier, filled with stories about his life back in his native Brazil before he was brought to the San Diego zoo. He represented, to her, a life of freedom and promise, and when the two decided to wed, they escaped the zoo and eloped. They’d been living in the sewers ever since. Susie was technically free, sure, but what did freedom even mean when her life was filled with the same banality as before, just without the glass cage?

“I’m bored,” she finally spoke. “With eating rat every night with the sssssewer, with — not with you!” she added quickly, seeing the hurt in Spencer’s eyes. “I jusssssst…I want something more. I want a job.”

“A job?” Spencer was incredulous.

“I want my life to have meaning, you know?” Susie went on. “There’s this public relationssss office on G Ssssstreet I read about in the garbage, and I know it ssssoundsss ridiculousss, but I think I’d be good at it! People ussssed to lisssten to me at the zoo, remember? Like that time we got the new turtlesss in and everyone wasss like, ‘Oh, turtlesss, thossse are cool! Not!!” and I wasss all, ‘Shutup, guyss, thisss could be neat!’ and then the turtlesss ended up being a huge hit?”

“Turtlesss.” Spencer was trying trying to keep up, but this was all happening much too quickly.

“I know thisss ssseeemss like a big change,” Susie quickly added, “But I jusssst want to go down to their officccce, ssseee what their deal isss.”

“Well,” Spencer said, “if thisss isss what you want, I will ssssupport you in whatever way I can.”

Susie beamed. She loved her husband, she really did. She knew this would be an adjustment for him, but it was time for her to be selfish, to do something for herself.

The next morning, Susie slithered off into the distance. She was ready to shed her old skin, and begin a new adventure.