Pizza Innovations

By monica heisey January 8, 2015

Very Stuffed Crust
Pizza and tryptophan, together at last! This pie features a full Thanksgiving dinner stuffed inside each crust. Order online with code IMGR0SS and get a free bib/sleeping hammock!

Earth’s Crust
A pizza topped with a hardened layer of igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary rocks. Crack the surface to get in at the delicious molten cheese core beneath!

Crust Punk Crust
This extreme metal anarcho-pizza doesn’t play by anyone’s rules. It’s not delivered to your door, it’s thrown through your window, wrapped around a brick and wearing a tiny denim jacket.

Cheese-En-Abyme
This dizzying crust gives the illusion of a pile of identical, infinite crusts. Gaze into the abyss, then dunk it in creamy garlic dipping sauce!

Russian Stacking Crust
Open up one lavishly painted crust to find another, cuter, smaller crust inside! [NB: paint not edible, pizza should be used for home display or as gifts to visiting royalty]

Picnic Crust
Relive your favourite childhood memories with this crust that includes paper plates, napkins, and forks. Add a side of Belief In The Infallibility Of Your Parents for only $3.99!

#Snackwave Crust
We get it! Pizza’s cool! Biting into this pizza triggers a selfie drone which flies to your house and snaps a #slicie as you chew. Sure, we’re a brand, but we love to have fun as much as the next carefully strategized web presence!

The Crust Crust
In a fun, meta twist, each piping hot slice comes with a crust stuffed with DVD copies of popular British children’s series The Crust. Experience all your favourite episodes, including “Pizza Potions,” “Pizza Promotion,” “Pizza Punishment” and “Pizza Lost Property.”

“Classic” Crust
A regular crust with nothing fancy in it. $30 extra. Comes with mini bag of Doritos in case you change your mind.

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. Her work has appeared in The Toast, The Cut, Rookie, Gawker, VICE, Playboy, and many other web and print publications. Her first book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better, comes out Spring 2015. Writing about herself in the third person is a nightmare.