Weekend Roundup / A Haley Mlotek Appreciation Post

By Jazmine Hughes December 12, 2014

Pics-Drake-Married-Nicki-Minaj-Wedding-Dress-in-Moment-for-Life

Did things feel a little different around here today?! They should’ve, because, for the first time, I was running the site by myself (aka Haley set everything up in advance and triple checked every post and probably refreshed the site constantly on her cellular phone) because Haley is getting MARRIED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Haley and I loooooove weddings, so this is the happiest weekend roundup of my life, though I am sure Haley (and Daniel, her fiancé, pictured) is pretty happy too.

Since I can’t make it, Anna Fitzpatrick, spy, has provided me with a list of objections that she plans to utter at that particular time in the ceremony:

I’m secretly in love with Haley
Haley’s secretly in love with Drake.
Daniel’s secretly in love with Drake.
Drake’s secretly in love with me.
Drake’s secretly in love with Rihanna, except it’s not really a secret.
I don’t know if Haley’s noticed this, but Daniel’s kind of a nerd?
Haley is cheating on Daniel… WITH HER JOB
*No words, just throw a bunch of glitter straight up in the air*
I don’t actually have an objection to make, but while we’re all here, would anybody like to hear my theories about Serial?
*pulls off mask* I’ve actually been Haley this whole time.

Anna is doing the Lord’s work, and I thank her, on behalf of all Americans. Anyway, next time you see Haley, please give her a big ol’ hug, Canadian-style, and celebrate her for finally becoming who she truly is: still Haley Mlotek, just married now.

Anyway! This week, we: sung with dead people, ate a second breakfast, got rid of a demanding work ethic, asked a queer chick, interviewed Daisy Hernandez, filled out some first date Mad Libs, perused some estate jewelry, read some Canadian literature, found some skin tips for the wintertime, and celebrated Susan Sontag.

And while we’re celebrating, here’s Durga Chew-Bose writing about her name on Buzzfeed, Anna Fitzpatrick, spy, writing about self-harm in Rookie, Arabelle Sicardi on the power of makeup on the Cut, Mallory Ortberg on the NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST, Meredith Haggerty on Tinder bros, and LaToya Peterson on riding in a car with Erica Garner. Goddamn, goddamn. Whether you’re getting married or not, spend the weekend getting drunk and eating cake. You deserve it.