Carols, Revisited

We three kings of Orient are

CUTE. You three kings are so cute.

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

So, is there a Mrs. Three Kings

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Oh, you work out, I like that. That’s fun.

Following yonder star

I’m a member of my local Curves. I’ve been meaning to go more. We could go together.

O Star of wonder, star of night

That is, like, very poetic

Star with royal beauty bright

You know what else is beautiful

Westward leading, still proceeding

Your eyes

Guide us to thy Perfect Light

All of your eyes. All six of your individual eyes.

Born a King on Bethlehem’s plain

Do you consider yourself personally ready to have kids?

Gold I bring to crown Him again

Omg I LOVE gold

King forever, ceasing never

We have so much in common

Over us all to reign

Sure, yep. Completely get that. Over us all. Amen.

Frankincense to offer have I

So cute, Balthazar

Incense owns a Deity nigh

WAY more original than gold, don’t tell Melchior

Prayer and praising, all men raising

All men aren’t the only thing that’s raising!

Worship Him, God most high

I was referring to my temperature, but God is good too.

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume

Honestly, all these gifts are really personal and cute

Breathes of life of gathering gloom

Like you can tell you actually put a lot of thought into it,

Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying

Instead of just picking up something you found in line at Rite Aid or whatever.

Sealed in the stone-cold tomb

That Christ child is so lucky to have you guys, for real.

We wish you a merry Christmas

Thanks!

We wish you a merry Christmas

Thanks.

We wish you a merry Christmas

Oh, thank you.

And a Happy New Year

To you as well, thank you so much. Best wishes.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin,

I really don’t know what to say, I —

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

That’s sweet, I really appreciate it so much, thank you. This time of year can be really hard, and this has been a real bright spot in an otherwise kind of tough week.

Now bring us some figgy pudding,

Sorry?

Now bring us some figgy pudding,

I don’t know you and I don’t know what that is, your message was very lovely but —

Now bring us some figgy pudding, and a cup of good cheer

You can’t just waltz into a woman’s house in the night and demand obscure desserts.

We won’t leave until we get some

Um.

We won’t leave until we get some

Well you’re going to have to. I mean figs aren’t even in se —

We won’t leave until we get some,

That’s a bit much, and vaguely threatening

So bring some right here

What even i —

[Repeat from beginning]

Don’t you dare.

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum

Oh… oh this is awkward.

A newborn King to see, pa rum pum pum pum

It’s just… oh Julio…

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum

It’s just that no one likes your drumming. It bums everyone out.

To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum —

And it’s not that we don’t appreciate your enthusiasm, we do…

Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum…

See this is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.

Hark! how the bells

Woo!

Sweet silver bells

Yeeeeeeeeee boi

All seem to say,

Ha

“Throw cares away.”

SPRING BREAK!

Christmas is here

Damn right

Bringing good cheer

You know I’m bout that good cheer lyfe

To young and old

To whoever, man

Meek and the bold

Hark hark, y’all! SING IT!

Ding, dong, ding, dong

Hahaha

That is their song

Hahahhaha, “bong”

With joyful ring

bong like a bell

All caroling

Bells make that sound

One seems to hear

But also

Words of good cheer

Bong like

From ev’rywhere

Hahahhahaa, like

Filling the air

Like you can smoke out of it. (Drugs)

Oh how they pound,

Come on, that’s a good one

Raising the sound,

You’re not fun anymore, Dave

O’er hill and dale,

Dale, fine

Telling their tale,

Is this because of last year

Gaily they ring

What happened last year

While people sing

With me

Songs of good cheer

And the duck

Christmas is here

I apologized already. To you and the duck.

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

This just feels like you’re avoiding the issue

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

Oh, fuck off Dale, that bong thing was funny.

Oh, you better watch out

Sure.

You better not cry

Right.

Better not pout

K

I’m telling you why:

Do.

Santa Claus is coming to town

That’s fine, I’m like 26 actually and to be honest haven’t celebr —

He sees you when you’re sleeping

Um.

He knows when you’re awake

This is like the opening bit of Scream and I’m not having it

He knows if you’ve been bad or good

Are you trying to slut sha-

So be good for goodness sake!

Is that a threat

Oh, you better watch out

I really can’t stay

But baby it’s cold outside

I brought a coat.

But baby it’s cold outside

Honestly, Harold, you’re the fucking worst.

Been hoping that you’d dro —

OW MY EYES

MY PRECIOUS EYES, YOU’VE POKED OUT MY EYES

HOW DID YOU

WHY

OH GOD

IT HURTS

I’M FULL OF REMORSE

I’M SORRY FOR THE THINGS I SAID

AND DID

AND DIDN’T DO BUT SORT OF THOUGHT ABOUT LIKE WHAT IF

OW

PLEASE STOP KICKING MY

OW OW

OWWWWWWWWW

Say, lend me a comb?

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. Her work has appeared in The Toast, The Cut, Rookie, Gawker, VICE, Playboy, and many other web and print publications. Her first book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better, comes out Spring 2015. Writing about herself in the third person is a nightmare.