An Open Letter From A Person Who Does Not Quite Get The Concept Of Open Letters

An Open Letter to The New York Times
Dear Editors of The New York Times,

I am compelled to write to you after reading your short-sighted article about the gentrification of Brooklyn in last week’s issue. The article reminded me I need to update the address on my subscription account, as I have recently moved. Please see my account number and updated address included below.

Sincerely,
Susan Borowksi

An Open Letter to Emma Watson Regarding Her UN Speech
Dear Ms. Watson,

Well, the internet certainly has a lot of thoughts regarding your “game-changing” speech about gender equality to the UN. Mainstream feminists certainly gobbled it up and have been praising your candor. Forgive me for having a different takeaway.

Let me ask you this, Ms. Watson: Where did you get that dress-suit thing you were wearing during the speech? You know, the top half was the jacket with the wide lapels, but when you stepped away from the podium it had that swooshy long skirt? Business on top, party down below? I have a work function coming up in a few weeks and I need to look stylish but professional, and your outfit was exactly what I had in mind. Of course, I probably couldn’t afford the same designer you were wearing. Do you know where I could find a cheap knockoff that still looked quality? Not like, tacky polyester or anything. And I don’t think I could do white. There will almost definitely be shrimp cocktail at the party and I do not want to risk getting the sauce on my quality knockoff dress suit. Did you have any shrimp cocktail sauce whilst wearing that outfit, Ms. Watson? Because if so, how did you manage to keep it so clean? No, I think a darker shade would have to do, like a deep blue or black or — wait, could I get one made in the same color as shrimp cocktail sauce? Because that would solve all my problems. Could you look into that for me, Ms. Watson?

All the best,
Sue Borowski

An Open Letter to My Roommate
Hey man,

If you’re at the store, I just remembered those cracker things I like are supposed to be on sale. You know, the ones in the blue box? Do you mind picking me up a pack and I’ll pay you back? And — actually, you know what? There are so many things I need to get from the store as well. Yeah, nevermind, I’ll just go myself later. Disregard this letter.

-S.

An Open Letter to My Mom
Hi Mom,

Got your message. Will be replying by e-mail. Disregard this letter.

Love,
Susie

An Open Letter to My Best Friend, June
June,

Hahahahahahaha nooooo he did not do that! Are you serious? Oh my god. Twenty-seven glowsticks and a treadmill? The thing with the corgi? What was all that fishing line even for? What a goof.
Also: YES. I didn’t want to be the first to bring it up, but I am in complete agreement. What a skank. I hope Karen never reads this.
Are you coming to that work thing on Saturday? It’s probably going to be really boring, I have a lead on a really cute outfit. Have you seen Emma Watson’s UN speech yet?

Kisses!!!!!
Susie