A Conversation Amongst Me, Ludacris, and Robert Louis Stevenson About Christmas

Editor’s note: The source material may appear to be this and this, but it’s actually my heart.

Me: Hey you guys!!! Thanks for making it over during this busy holiday season. RLS, was that you I saw at the Gawker holiday party last weekend!? So crazy!!! Anyway, I just wanted to nab you two really quickly, and admit something to you: I don’t really like Christmas. I don’t really like any holiday, but this is the one we’re celebrating right now, so it’s the most I don’t like the most right now. I just hate the forced sentimentality and the smiling and the emptiness of it all, you know? It’s just so fake! But I DO love the presents. I’m so mixed up!! Maybe I need some inspiration. Can you tell me about your best Christmases?

Robert Louis Stevenson, gruffly: The sheets were frozen hard, and they cut the naked hand. The decks were like a slide, where a seamen scarce could stand.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you remind them of Ron Swanson? Because you do. That’s very sweet, RLS, and thank you for rhyming, but it sounds like you spent your best Christmas at sea???? That’s pretty unorthodox, you know, plus it’s super dangerous to have a roaring fire on a boat. But maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I haven’t been thinking outside of the box enough. Do you know if I could rent a yacht to ride through the Gowanus canal?

Ludacris, boastfully: Yeah, chestnuts roasting on the fire in the hill, down below we firing up the barbecue grills.

Me: Wait Luda that sounds really fun and sweet. What else do you with your family?

Ludacris, boastfully: Ice skating in the drive way!

Me: Aww! But also, what?

Ludacris, shamefully: Eggnogs got daddy swerving on the highway.

Me: Ludacris you have not had a hit song in years — — how big your driveway? How can you afford this driveway skating rink and yet no driver to escort you home when you’ve had too much eggnog?! It’s like, do you even use Mint?! I’m setting up your account now — — consider it my Christmas gift to you.

Robert Louis Stevenson, irritated: All day we tacked and tacked between the South Head and the North. All day we hauled the frozen sheets, and got no further forth.

Me: WAIT ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON DID YOU PUT TOGETHER LUDA’S ICE RINK??

Ludacris, defensively: They say that I’m a nuisance but I say they all some haters.

Robert Louis Stevenson, defeated: And O the wicked fool I seemed, in every kind of way.

Me: DID YOU PAY HIM???? Nope, nope. I am not taking care of this. Robert Louis Stevenson, here is the phone number of the Better Business Bureau; please report him. Let’s just move on. What do you want for Christmas?

Robert Louis Stevenson, mournfully: My mother’s silver spectacles — -

Me: Oh my gosh, that’s really sweet. Did she pass? Were you close?

Robert Louis Stevenson, finishing: My father’s silver hair.

Me: ….that’s less sweet. Like in a locket, right, which is a little normal??? I’m not even going to consider that you might want to scalp your own father.

Ludacris, confidently: Yeah, I tell ’em all I want for Christmas is two gold front teeth.

Me: Who is them!? Santa is one person!

Ludacris, casually: And ten carat diamonds on a fat gold wreath, that I could wear around ma neck. Tell Santa Claus to bring a ten million dollar check.

Me: Now you’re being ridiculous.

Ludacris, selfishly: Tell him I need a jacket, New Jordans and a Xbox!!!! New suits for church and a couple pairs of dress socks!!!!

Me: You’re asking Santa for a ten million dollar check AND socks???? Am I the only one who hears how ridiculous this sounds?!

Ludacris, offended: Just because I’m poor they always calling me a faker.

Me: Ludacris. You are not poor. Stop trying to get out of paying RLS.

Ludacris, giggling: And ’cause my Christmas tree decorated in toilet paper.

Me: You know what, that sounds like a Luda problem, not a Jazmine one. Ok!!! Back to m — -

Robert Louis Stevenson, interrupting: The bells upon the church were rung with a mighty jovial cheer.

Me: Um, ok? Thank you for sharing, even though I didn’t really ask you anything, and this is sort of my rodeo. I… you know, tend to ask the questions, and then you guys give me advice…

Robert Louis Stevenson, looking annoyed: For it’s just that I should tell you how (of all days in the year), this day of our adversity was blessed Christmas morn, and the house above the coastguard’s was the house where I was born.

Me: Where you born?! I don’t have time to learn about ancient birthing locations, RLS!

Ludacris, high-fiving me: OH!

Robert Louis Stevenson, subdued: O well.

Me: Wait, I’m sorry, RLS. Tell your story.

Robert Louis Stevenson, excitedly: They lit the high sea-light, and the dark began to fall. “All hands to loose topgallant sails,” I heard the captain call.

Me: Nope! Just kidding. That is actually super boring. You guys have been no help. Is it too late to crash a Hanukkah party?? I guess, if I dig deep enough in my heart, that Christmas shouldn’t be a stressful season, and even if I’m not excited about it, I should just take this time and enjoy it for the winter vacation it is, virgin births notwithstanding. Even though I came to this all on my own with literally no help from two of the world’s preeminent Christmas experts, I hope that you guys take my advice and enjoy your Christmases as well. You don’t have to go overboard, especially you, Luda.

Ludacris, getting it: I could spread a lil’ cheer, fly a couple leers, eat a lil’ chicken, drink a couple beers.

Me: Exactly!! That is so great to hear. I didn’t want to tell you, but I may have texted Santa and told him about the RLS affair. Did you know he works at the Better Business Bureau during the off-season?

Ludacris, proudly: I’ma straighten up my act, get up on track. Make a couple bucks and buy mama a Cadillac, and then maybe Santa Claus will come around my way.

Me: I’m so glad you’ve come around, and you’re absolutely right: Christmas is about spending time with your family, doing what you can to make them happy, because that’s really the only way you can find true love and warmth in your heart. I’m so glad I’ve convinced you! RLS, how will you be spending the holiday now after we’ve had this super enlightening talk?

Robert Louis Stevenson, toughly: Hauling frozen ropes on blessed Christmas Day.

Me: Never change.