Men Explain Cars To Me

In the summer of 2011, a friend convinced me to try make a profile on OkCupid. I filled my profile with jokes because I wanted project a certain personality: “haha look how not seriously I am taking this, I am a carefree and fun girl, please date me.”

When OkCupid asked what I spend a lot of time thinking about, well. I did not hesitate:

I went on exactly two dates with two different men within the first month of creating the account before I lost interest. And yet I never got around to deleting my profile. Every few weeks I would log on and my inbox would be filled with messages: a couple of them would just be stock lines (“hey ur cute wanna grab a drink?”). The rest were all theories about the movie Cars. Some made me think, some made me roll my eyes, others brought up existential questions in other animated films; all of them entertained me. I finally deleted my OkCupid account, having never found love, but instead something much better: a deeper insight into the Pixar movie Cars.

“I’d like to share your obsession with Cars, but alas, I only watch films that star Bill Murray and Tom Hanks, and Cars is not one of those. But if I had to take a guess, I’d bet that the cars have doors because richer, exploitative cars subjugate the lower classes and ride around in them in a freakish Orwellian irony-rich orgy of quirkiness.”

[I reply: Tom Hanks has a cameo appearance in Cars.]

“Ah. Well, I stand corrected. My instincts tell me that my best course of action here is to file this under “Blunder: Trying Too Hard” and promptly launch myself into self-imposed exile in space.” (31 years old)

“I love your questions about the movie Cars. Here’s another one to ponder: since highways were built in recent memory there, it can be inferred that all roads need to be built so these cars could get around. From this: how the hell did they get there to begin with? Were the pioneers a bunch of Jeeps and monster trucks? Also, how are they built? You brought the opposable thumb issue into play, which is appropriate with this question as well.” (profile deleted)

“Ever read the theory that all the Pixar movies are connected and that the reason there are no humans in Cars is because they were all sent into space (in Wall-E)?” (24 years old)

“Hi, let me put your mind at ease by pointing you in the direction of this article. It probably will answer all your questions about Cars. You’re welcome! “ (profile deleted)

“Hey, I wrote the Cars screenplay. I figured the least I could do was send you a message.”

[I reply: “dang.”]

“Not the Pixar film though. For the upcoming biopic of the 80’s New Wave band The Cars. Don’t leak this info but apparently there’s been multiple discussions for Chris Kattan to play Ric Ocasek.”

[I liked this guy but he deleted his profile before we could become friends]

“I think Cars takes place sometime after Wall-E happened. All the humans die off, and the robots rebuild cvilization but for some reason choose to all look like Cars? The Planes movies make it even more confusing though. I dont think there is any explaining it.” (23 years old)

“You are absolutely fucking hilarious. I won’t lie, you had me laughing a couple of times, which is rare on sites like this. That whole Cars piece, classic! LOL. How about the simple fact of why are cars talking?? Like what drugs were they on?” (29 years old)

“Very deep thought about Cars! Very interesting fundamental questions! Very philosophical! 😉 Have you ever thought about Finding Nemo? ;)” (30 years old)

“Those are certainly some interesting thoughts on Cars. I never bothered to see the movie myself but it sounds like you make some valid points.

I often have had thoughts like that about movies. Most recently World War Z which I thought was an atrociously insulting piece of garbage. Then again I think most summer movies fall under this category.” (30 years old)

“Read through your profile and for gods sake are you serious about Yoko being your favourite Beatle? Anyhow you made me laugh. Message me back if you want to talk or want to argue the reason why the movie Cars is a cinematic masterpiece (joking)” (24 years old)

“How many times did you watch Cars for it to make such a deep impact on your life?” (31 years old)

“I have some theories on the movie Cars you might be interested in. Warning, they may shock and or appall you. Disney is using the franchise to fund animal rights terrorist groups across the country. Like the ALF.” (26 years old)

“Hi. Peter here. Read your question about the movie cars, and I wanted to comment.

Cars were anthropomorphized in the popular imagination during the 20th Century. Marketing departments for carmakers thought they’d explore this a little and started developing “faces” for their particular brand of car.

It got so extreme by the 1960s that you could tell Ford, GM, and Chrysler products apart from hundreds of feet away.

After safety bumper regulations and the fuel crisis in the 1970s, though, cars started to look alike by necessity, because there would only be one way to satisfy the regulations and have the car light enough to get the fuel economy.

Although Cars is children’s entertainment on the surface, it has a “back story” made up of grandfather’s memories of car culture, which the kid might be aware of.” (47 years old)

“The cars are obviously from a future where automobiles have developed sentience and overthrown their human masters. They can turn pages without thumbs because of their naturally evolved psycho-kinetic powers (a crucial advantage in the war; well, that and everyone freaking out when their cars started cracking wise).

Most of the humans didn’t survive the uprising save a few that are kept as pets and car wash operators. I thought everyone got that when they watched the movie.“ (29 years old)

“But you’re spot on about Cars. It’s some really fucked up shit. What if your whole body was so obviously designed for the ergonomics of a different species. You are nothing but a vehicle for others. They are above you, and you below them. As much as you are a conscious entity you are even more aware daily of your design: a subhuman tool to be used to death and then destroyed by your designer. And manually re-birthed by the same designer into a new entity of the same design. But now once again a wide-eyed child not yet aware of your place in the world as nothing more than a slave.

I dunno, maybe a metaphor for the livestock industry. But maybe even a little more cruel; the gaping cavities inside each car, a reminder of their role and the circumstances of their creation.” (23 years old)

“Oh man, how about the biggest question of them all — -why were their eyes on the windshield? Throughout history, the eyes of cartoon cars have always been the headlights and only the headlights! Granted, it’s Pixar, and I know they know what they’re doing, but still. Blasphemy.” (24 years old)

“I have also spent a considerable amount of time thinking about Cars. Though I sadly, have spent more time thinking about Cars II. The anti-success, pro-lemon villains and their rejection of market capitalism really struck me as a bizarre plot line for a childrens’ movie.” (25 years old)

“I think your perspective on the Cars movie is very interesting. But have you seen Planes yet? I would highly recommend it as it would greatly help to answer all of your questions.” (29 years old)

“You bring up a lot of good points about Cars. Maybe all cars on earth gained sentient life? Or perhaps everyone turned into cars! This is gonna keep me up at night now. But besides that I really enjoyed reading your profile and am curious to learn more.” (31 years old)

“Heey 🙂 Waaats going on? I read your profile and you think about the movie Cars waaay too much lol. I also love Super Nintendo. Anyways you seem really interesting I’d love to get to know you more msg me back if your interested :)” (26 years old)

“I think the root of your problem with Cars runs pretty deep. Why do the people exist in a world without purpose?” (30 years old)

“You sound utterly fascinating and I would like to hear your opinions about movies with plot holes let’s hang out” (24 years old)

“I realize you may not appreciate this opinion but it must be said; you’re wasting your time thinking of Cars. Pixar made a mistake when they wrote that plot and when they proceeded with their storyboards. Their stellar record has been forever marred by the Cars franchise and it is best left where it is: in the past. Ever consider the gravity situation in Wall-E? That is a real problem.” (24 years old)

[I reply: “I dislike Wall-E. Not enough cars.” He never responded]

“We both seem at least vaguely countercultural, so I probably don’t need to stress the fact we like a lot of the same things. I’m specifically interested in philosophy and literature — -am reading a giant Greek mythology coursebook right now for kicks, and writing a thesis on Marx and Aristotle — -but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy, you know, playing “Kool Thing” at max volume until there are incisions in the mesh of my sound system.

What do you like? I think about Jurassic Park a lot, albeit as an archetypal continuation of the Prometheus/Frankenstein myth.” (25 years old)

“I’ve read a couple of profiles in the couple of months that I’ve been…reading profiles and yours is BY FAR the funniest profile of my life. Girls don’t usually make me laugh but you’re hilarious.

Also, I have a confession to make…I was using the dumb quick match feature and realized that you can’t send a msg or visit someone’s profile from there. Weird. So I was forced to rate you for fear of not being able to find your profile again. I was going to rate you 4/5 (mainly bc of your inflammatory comments about Cars) but accidentally hit 5/5. Sorry to get your hopes up, you’re not a 5 (leave Cars alone).” (29 years old)

Anna Fitzpatrick is on Tinder.