If Chain Restaurants Had Astrological Signs

by Gabrielle Noone

Cancer: The Olive Garden
When you’re here, you’re family! But even if you’re not, that’s okay, because Cancer’s extreme need for emotional stability and fear of change will force you to stay, eating endless salad and breadsticks, until you have no choice but to love them.

Sagittarius: The Cheesecake Factory
People who don’t really get to know Sagittarius often misunderstand them. They’re so much more than just cheesecake. As a Sagittarius, they’re immensely good at many things, but others often doubt the authenticity of their abilities. There’s no way you can offer shepard’s pie, huevos rancheros, kale salad, Cajun jambalaya pasta, and miso salmon and have them all taste good, they say. But they’re on a mission to prove yes, they can have it all.

Pisces: Friendly’s
To distract themselves from their own problems, a Pisces will go out of their way to be a good friend. In fact, they mostly attract people who should be seeking professional help, but have instead decided to eat clown-shaped sundae to temporarily ease the pain. So obsessed with maintaining an external image of fun, Pisces will often ignore their own problems until it’s too late and the Health Department shuts them down for serving one too many chicken finger SuperMelts with a side of stray pubic hair.

Capricorn: Chili’s
A Capricorn’s fear of vulnerability causes them to mask all of their insecurities and weaknesses underneath a molten three-cheese blend. But once that cheese congeals and the tiny pot of chipotle-flavored ranch dipping sauce runs dry, it’s easy to see them for who they really are. What the Capricorn lacks in emotion, they make up for in financial smarts (their 2-for-$20 deal just cannot be beat).

Leo: IHOP
Leos love to go on and on about how loyal they are, but are they really? Sure, they’re technically there for you 24/7, but are they really present? You can always rely on Leo for pancakes, but do they even taste like anything more than a baking soda-flavored sponge for maple-flavored cornsyrup? You swear things weren’t always this way, but maybe you were just too young and naive to see through Leo’s facade.

Aries: Johnny Rockets
As the first sign of the Zodiac calendar, Aries are go-getters who lead the way. They claim to be “the original hamburger,” with their 1950s diner-themed menu and decor. However, as naturally terrible liars, most people realize that they are just a franchise developed in the 1980s.

Gemini: Outback Steakhouse
Gemini loves to go on and on about how they live by their own rules, but the truth is they fear change and the unknown. Perhaps their steady perseverance is why they live on. While a generation of Bennigan’s and Steak & Ales have left us too soon, Gemini stays the number one destination for high school seniors who are trying to impress their prom dates with squishy loaves of pumpernickel bread and bloomin’ onions.

Aquarius: T.G.I. Friday’s
They seem rebellious and offbeat, with their licensed Jack Daniel’s barbecue menu and walls of pop culture memorabilia, but the truth is they’re just a sheep in the chain restaurant flock. The desparate-to-be-cool, divorced-dad of the bunch. Also, where desparate-to-be-cool, divorced-dads take their kids for dinner. An Aquarius longs to be a nonconformist, but, at the end of the day, their mozzarella sticks come frozen in packs of 500 from a factory just like everyone else. They claim to be generous, but their “endless appetizer” deal comes with so many limitations that everyone is bound to see right through their gimmicks.

Libra: Benihana
Libra feel the happiest when surrounded by other people. Unfortunately, they project this need for company onto everyone by requiring you to share a table with complete strangers. Even if you come from a broken home, you must still eat your steak teriyaki family-style.

Virgo: Ruby Tuesday
So consumed by careful organizing of their image, a Virgo often neglects to organize their surroundings. No matter their efforts to convince you that their buffet of chocolate pudding and kidney beans is a “Fresh Garden Bar,” they will always just be that restaurant located next to the shuttered JC Penney and the “designer perfume outlet” that is actually a drug front.

Scorpio: Red Lobster
With a need for power and natural fascination with the paranormal and occult, a Scorpio has no qualms with selling their soul to Satan in order to gain the recipe for perfect cheddar bay biscuits.

Taurus: California Pizza Kitchen
Once a Taurus puts their eyes on something, they will persistently put in all their efforts to get it. But this can cause them to be unbelievable stubborn and inflexible in their approach. Their self-indulgent streak leads them to believe that “Thai Chicken” and “California Club” are two foods that could easily top a classic hand-tossed pizza without hurting anyone’s feelings. They are, however, wrong.

Gabby Noone is a writer and student living in New York. Her sun sign is in The Cheesecake Factory and her moon sign is in The Olive Garden.