Five Things Guaranteed to Turn Him On

by Lauren Bans

Has this happened to you before? You’re pumped and alive and you reach for your guy and he’s just… dead. Lucky for you, this can be resolved easily. Follow these simply steps to have him turned on in no time.

1.) Unless you are absolutely certain he’s fully rested, let him lie still for fifteen to twenty minutes recharging. If he was just low on juice, he should wake up by himself.

2.) Press down on his head and balls at the same time for ten to twenty seconds.

3.) If that doesn’t work, buy a coffin. Fill it with rice. Put him in it, seal it, and after two days time try Step 2 again.

4.) Stick a very small pin in his posterior hole. This should reboot his whole system.

5.) If all else fails, you may have to wipe him clean. Do so with a dry washcloth. Note that this process may take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours.