Rejected Author Bios

Jazmine Hughes is the contributing editor of the Hairpin.

Jazmine Hughes is the contributing editor of the Hairpin, a digital magazine.

Jazmine Hughes didn’t know the Hairpin was an digital magazine???

Jazmine Hughes trusts Matt Buchanan.

Jazmine Hughes is contributing editor of the Hairpin, a digital magazine, and the main contributing eater of the cheese in her shared refrigerator.

Jazmine Hughes loves cheese. She writes too, but you already knew that.

Jazmine Hughes writes like she eats: a lot.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer and avid eater.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer, avid eater, and aspiring dieter. She loves cheeseburgers.

Jazmine Hughes is an aspiring Beyoncé.

Jazmine Hughes is an aspiring Nora Ephron.

Jazmine Hughes is an aspiring Jazmine Hughes, only with clearer skin and better comebacks and whiter teeth and 2–3 recipes she can whip up at any moment.

Jazmine Hughes is happy with herself.

Jazmine Hughes is happy with herself, but only because her only goal for the day was to “put on pants” but she never specified WHAT KIND OF PANTS or if sweatpants count.

Jazmine Hughes is not wearing pants at all, and she doesn’t care if you don’t like it.

Jazmine Hughes doesn’t care if you don’t like it.

Jazmine Hughes really cares if you like it, and if you did, would you mind you tweeting it??? And Facebook-ing it??? And handing it out to strangers on the street???????????

Jazmine Hughes is [rare literary quote].

Jazmine Hughes is [ironic music lyric].

Jazmine Hughes is [highbrow cinematic allusion].

Jazmine Hughes hopes you read the same books or listens to the same music or watch the same movies as she does, so then you can get her esoteric jokes and think she’s cool.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer living in New York.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer living in New York, and you can follow her here.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer living in New York, and you can follow her if you walk down her street at 9:30 every morning as she runs to catch the Q train. She enters at the Empire Boulevard entrance, but if you enter at Ocean Avenue, she won’t notice you following her.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer living in New York, but not really living, you know?!

Jazmine Hughes is a writer. Her favorite things are eating and tweeting.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer. Her favorite things are donating to charity and saving drowning puppies.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer. Her favorite things are squeezing her blackheads and telling people what to do, if we’re being honest.

Jazmine Hughes is being honest. Ask her how many sexual partners she’s had. She’ll only tweak the number a little.

Jazmine Hughes is being too honest, uncomfortably so, because she thinks that showcasing her insecurities and cloaking them in wit will eradicate them when that’s not remotely the case, and the thought that one’s entire being can be summed up in a few italicized lines at the end of the piece is foolish and unfair, because she contains multitudes.

Jazmine Hughes is a writer.

Jazmine Hughes was a writer, before she got too stressed out writing author bios and died.