Good Vibrations

I really loved this report on vibrators by Into The Gloss; everything should come with an emoji rating system.

Speaking of vibrators, I have a funny story for you…

This is probably the most clichéd, romantic-comedy-quirky-heroine, Cosmo-esque embarrassing story that has ever happened to me. If it shows up in a Kate Hudson movie next year I’ll sue.

ANYWAY. On Friday afternoon, Anna texted me to say she was waiting for her father to get off work in my neighborhood and would I like her to bring me some coffee? I said yes, obviously, grateful for this chance at caffeine without any effort or exertion on my part. Ten minutes later she knocks on my door with an Americano…and her father. A Canadiano. Ha ha ha.

Of course I was just like, “Come on in!” quickly scanning the room for anything a dad might object to, saw nothing, proceeded to make small talk with him right next to my bathroom door, when it hit me: I had just washed a brand new vibrator and left it by the sink to dry. I spent the whole time trying to maintain eye contact with him so he wouldn’t turn his head and see that hot pink agent of sin.

He left without noticing, sparing me from acknowledging that I own masturbatory tools, and I was relaying the whole story to a friend over GChat; she correctly pointed out, however, that older straight men tend to think a vibrator only looks exactly like a human penis, and he probably would’ve assumed it was a hairstyling tool. This is a vast oversimplification and generalization, but, like, doesn’t it feel true?

In conclusion, I give the whole experience several *clenched teeth emojis* *blushing emojis* *shrugging emojis*