Forgotten Monsters

Garfel: Over the years, Hans Christian Anderson’s Little Mermaid was radically changed from her original form. The sad, painful dancer who turns into depressed seafoam after her one true love weds another became Ariel, a sexy, wide-eyed redhead, who successfully wins her man without even a small jig. In this same manner, Garfel, an ancient Norse demon who kept little Vikings awake for centuries, has been softened for weak modern children. Once known as a mostly-dormant feline beast whose ravenous appetite and formidable rage exploded only at the beginning of each week, today he is a cat who is funnier when he is not even around. His nemesis, Odin, was slightly changed for the modern version as well.

Sharkmaid: The sharkmaid is lady on top, sushi on bottom, just like her fishier sister. Still, despite her humanoid torso, she retains many fearsome shark qualities. The Sharkmaid never sleeps or stops moving, lending her a grumpy, frazzled appearance and a short attention span. Her teeth may not be as flesh ripping as her boy Jaws, but her wit is just as biting. Sharkmaid is the not entirely unlike the sharp-tongued, overworked DMV clerk of your nautical nightmares. You better hope you filled that boating license out correctly the first time.

Fridge Trolls: Much like their fairy-tale starring cousins the bridge trolls; these upsettingly pesky creatures keep you from what you really want. Although mostly exterminated in the 1970’s by the Maytag Repair Man, these chilly little terrors were known for wreaking havoc in the crisper drawer, making milk taste like fish, and asking a series of incredibly difficult questions of midnight snackers (“Do you want to eat that? Are you sure? Like, really sure?”).

Werebbit: The Teen Wolf version of Bunnicula is slightly less intimidating than the already adorable vampiric hare. When the moon is full, the werebbit transforms from a cuddly-wuddly bunny into what is basically a shitzu. Very inconvenient for late night Easter photo shoots, pretty much adorable the rest of the time.

Quattournasus: The chapter on this four-nosed Greek monster of myth has long since lost from The Odyssey, scrapped for time in an otherwise endless journey. While ancient storytellers made sure to sing of the enormous man who had nostrils in place of eyes and a snout for a mouth, eventually the creature’s ability to smell a crew of sailors from miles away was considering “boring” and “not that difficult, really.” In the Aeneid’s retelling (also lost, whoops) all four schnozzes were definitely aquiline.

Ben Stein’s Monster: Cobbled together from pieces of disposable Nixon aides, other character actors and Jimmy Kimmel’s little finger (won in a bar bet), this hideous fiend has been the pet project of the Ferris Bueller star for nearly a decade. Although mostly hidden away in Stein’s house in the Hollywood Hills, the ogre does its master’s bidding by hitting on plasticine abandoned trophy wives and, of course, pregnant ladies. However, in a city full of metaphorical vampires and real living skeletons, this lurching monstrosity is simply assumed to be a producer. He has been nominated for five People’s Choice Awards.

Meredith Haggerty is a writer and editor in Brooklyn.

Matt Lubchansky is a tall male cartoonist with a beard and glasses, and that’s all he’ll ever be.