13 Things That All Women in Their Twenties Who Are Possessed by Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Are…

By Anna Fitzpatrick October 15, 2014

1. “But how is painting upside down crucifixes with ram’s blood going to help you pay off your student loan debts?”

How are *your* dumb questions going to help me pay off my debt?

2. “You’d be so pretty if you just smiled more and kept your neck turned at a normal angle.”

Sorry we can’t all be as basic as you!

3. “So, when can we expect to hear the pitter patter of little feet on the ceiling?”

So, when can I expect to not hear your voice?

4. “I hear Karen from high school got engaged, and she didn’t even have to work any black magic!”

Believe me, there is nothing holy about Karen’s ass.

5. “You won’t be able to live on a diet of vodka shots and sacrificial goats forever, you know!”

And a diet of your bullshit is better how?

6. “People are going to get the wrong idea if you go around with a different priest every night.”

No, the fact that I’m a girl who knows how to get wild seems about right.

7. “You should probably find a better health insurance plan before you try levitating indoors.”

Ugh, tell me something my doomed soul doesn’t already know.

8. “I can’t understand anything you kids talk about these days, with your Snapchat and your Tweeter and your speaking in tongues.”

Yeah, because the 80’s were such a golden age for slang.

9. “You’ll never get hired for a real job with that ‘666’ carved into your forehead.”

But being a corporate drone was my dream!!!

10. “Back in my day, young people could speak to their elders without spewing black bile.”

Yeah, and your day was known for its progressiveness.

11. “How do you expect to get married one day if you can’t walk into a church without bursting into flames?”

Well SOMEBODY won’t be invited to the bachelorette party.

12. “Aunt Julie wants to know why you haven’t responded to her Facebook friend request. Also, you should probably stop masturbating with crucifixes.”

Damnit, Aunt Julie.

13. “The power of Christ compels you, you crazy slut!”

Haters gonna hate!!!!

Anna Fitzpatrick is a Toronto-based writer. She is pretty sure she is not possessed by Lucifer.

1. Bye