My Beautiful Dark Tinder Fantasy

by Sarah Beller

You go on Tinder while aboard a ferry and you match with the ferry captain.

You go on Tinder when it’s just you and a beautiful woman in an American Apparel dress in an elevator and she’s on her phone too and you match and you push her up against the wall and start making out without exchanging so much as a word.

You go on Tinder right before surgery and you match with the anesthesiologist.

You check Tinder on an airplane. You match with the pilot and even though he’s supposed to be landing the damn plane he messages you to be like hey ur fone’s supposed to be on airplane mode u bad girl.

Absentmindedly checking Tinder at your wedding right before you walk down the aisle and you match with your fiancé…’s best man.

Checking Tinder in your therapy session and you match with your therapist and look up and she’s on her phone too. She messages you to be like I’ve always loved u + btw ur not crazy 😉
And you’re like ok so I guess I’m just boring
And you both laugh because that is so you.

The guard checks Tinder and matches with you, the person who’s incarcerated in a very low security jail where you’re allowed to go on your phone, and you escape together.

You’re the CEO of the hot new startup and you match with the intern who doesn’t even know a thing about code…but is eager to learn.

You go on Tinder and match with your rabbi.

You go on Tinder and you match with the rabbi I mean the mohel who cut off the tip of your dick when he circumcised you long ago and he messages you and says hey I still have that piece.

You go on Tinder and match with your mother, your father, your stepsister, and your dog walker and your dog walker messages you to say well I already love your dog very much so we could all be a great family someday.

You go on Tinder and the one who got away is on it too and you swipe right but no match so… maybe he hasn’t come across you yet
Maybe he will and maybe he’ll press his thumb against your face and you’ll feel it even though you’re far away you’ll feel his flesh on your lips then slowly you’ll feel yourself melting, sliding slowly NOPE.

You go on Tinder and match with someone you once kissed on vacation in the Dominican Republic at a discotheque called Genesis.

You go on Tinder and match with a gorgeous woman but as you’re chatting you realize she owns the little bookshop that your new megastore is hell-bent on putting out of business, but then you both decide you don’t even like owning businesses and just have always wanted to be actors so you just get MFAs at the Yale School of Drama together.

You go on Tinder at your crush’s funeral because you’re not getting any younger and you match with your crush and he messages you like hey I’m alive in here let me out! My phone’s not working underground except for Tinder.

Sarah Beller has previously written for The Hairpin about Scott Speedman. You can find more of her writing at The Toast, Salon, Substance.com and on twitter @julesbesch.