Is My iPhone a Tool of the Patriarchy? Notes From an Investigation

New U2 album automatically loaded onto iTunes, Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda remains suspiciously absent.

No default Beyoncé ringtones available, but there is some bullshit called “Stargaze.”

Autocorrect changes “menstruating” (perfectly natural bodily function) to “men’s trusting” (two words that should never be seen together).

Instagram filters create unrealistic expectations of bathroom mirror lighting conditions for impressionable young women.

No fertility goddess emoji. Do I even need to explain this one?

Music shuffle always seems to know when I am powerwalking down the street with confidence, uses that moment to play the the most depressing Fiona Apple songs.

Duolingo has yet to teach me key passages from The Second Sex in the original French, assumes I will be content learning infantilizing phrases like “The apple is red.” Why do you want to silence women’s voices, Duolingo?

Evernote’s logo is an elephant, an animal with a big phallic symbol right in the middle of its face.

Candy Crush Saga is too fun; clearly designed to distract women into playing so they don’t have time to advance at the workplace (Men too, but they’re already doing well for themselves).

Angry Birds characters are disproportionately male, further erasing contributions of women in the workforce (the bird workforce).

Siri has the quiet desperation in her voice of a woman who was clearly forced to pick between pursuing her career and raising her kids.

Once, my phone cut off a nice chat I was having with my grandma; not once did it have the courtesy to cut off drunk calls I made to exes at 2am.

Snapchat still has not made an option to automatically reply to unsolicited dick pics with a sad trombone noise.

Tinder continues to match with guys who, misleadingly, share my interest in Broad City yet are terrible at reciprocating oral.

I still don’t understand the new Facebook Messenger, but it’s probably also in on it somehow. Must investigate further.

iPhone suspiciously not Ryan Gosling.

Anna Fitzpatrick is standing right behind you. Jk, she’s probably on her laptop right now, alone, far away from any human contact. Oh, she’s a writer.