10 Hot Similes For Your Romance Novel

Want to make as much money from writing as successful and wealthy authors E.L. James and Danielle Steel? Looking to turn a new generation of readers on…to reading? Just very horny and need to get it onto the page before you explode? Consider, my friends, the romance novel.

One of the most popular genres on the planet, the title for your romance novel is the easiest part, and will provide you a premise upon which to build the rest of your work. Consider “The [Occupational Noun]’s [Adjective] [Noun],” as in The Prince’s Saucy Wench, The Doctor’s Sexy Briefcase, or The Duchess’ Naughty Dubloons.

Plot is up to you, and I’m afraid that’s the toughest bit. But to help you on your way to the good stuff (someone’s shirt should be getting ripped roughly every 2–3 pages or you’re doing it wrong), here are some sexxxxxy similes to pepper throughout your work.

“Her love cave was hot, and wet, like a mouth. A downstairs mouth. It smiled.”

“Troy Delice was brooding and handsome and loved a silk blouse. A lawyer by day and sleeping lawyer by night, he was caring but misunderstood, like the feminist movement.”

“His embrace made her nipples hard, as hard as explaining her job in social media management to her parents.”

“As Trinity kissed her way down Stepan’s rippling chest, she paused and gasped. His turgid sex was like a sandworm under the sheets.”

“Elora’s breasts heaved like a freshman after a kegstand. Her stomach trembled, like that freshman’s mother reading statistics about campus hazing and violence among men age 18–20.”

“The Duke’s skin rippled like a sexy pony’s; like Ginuwine’s ‘Pony;’ he was a horse.”

“She took his manhood into his mouth. ‘Suck me,’ he said. ‘Suck me like a Dementor, til my soul comes out my face.’”

“Melandria was wild and untamed, like her own bush.”

“The young ingenue felt intoxicated by this tall stranger; it was like his lips were made of booze. She thought to herself, one penis, straight up.”

“They fell back, spent. She was flushed, like she’d just called the teacher ‘mom’ in front of everyone.”

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She is mid-level funny and high-level horny. She is on Twitter: @monicaheisey.