What My Mom Wants Me to Blog About

[Suburbs, kitchen table, sometime before 8am.]

My Mom: Good morning! What are you going to write about today? I have a lot of ideas!!!

Me: Oh god. I’m going to need coffee first.

My Mom: No problem! I have great coffee. Which do you prefer — Entenmann’s chocolate donut flavored coffee or this new stuff I got at the mall, decaf cinnamon hazelnut mocha cherry coffee?

Me: [defeated and knows the answer] We don’t have any regular coffee??

My Mom: Once you try these flavors, you’ll never want to go back to your regular coffee! Trust me. Anyway, I have ideas of what you should blog about today! Can I tell you or do you need to catch up on the news first? [hands me the USA Today]

Me: [makes decaf cinnamon hazelnut mocha cherry coffee] You and Dad are the only people I know that read USA Today when not staying at a hotel near an airport. Ok, just give me your ideas. Let’s get this over with.

My Mom: Ok, did you watch the Hallmark movie Stranded in Paradise? The heroine was stranded with her love interest in Puerto Rico! I didn’t enjoy the ending, which had the woman give up a Vice President position which was her goal after working for the same company for 15 years! This decision was made for the possibility of love from a stranger. If he loved her, he would go to Denver, her home city, find a job, get married and vacation in Puerto Rico with her!

Me: What was his job though? I mean, I think the Hairpin readers would definitely like to hear my recap of a TV movie I’ve never seen, but I need more info. Like was his job at a rum distillery in Puerto Rico? If so, I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to drop everything to move to Denver for her!

My Mom: You’re completely missing the point. These are important issues. What do you feel like for dinner???!

Me: It’s 7:30am! I haven’t even had breakfast yet.

My Mom: Why didn’t you say anything! [takes out an assortment of breakfast cereals I’ve never heard of with photos of active senior women on the boxes] I have another idea too! What if you blogged about your sister having a baby yesterday? Or what it’s like to be disappointed with highlights? Or Geraldine Ferraro??

Me: These are all great ideas. Will do. [My Mom doesn’t hear the last part as she starts petting our dog and ignores me entirely]