Let’s Eat Grandpa

by Thomas Scott

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

Can we go to the buffet and get dinner, Grandpa? Zack and David and I are really super hungry after playing by the pool all afternoon! Did you hear how Cailin and Grandma saw a dolphins next to the cruise ship this afternoon? Isn’t that cool? We were just talking about how this is the best reward for straight A’s you could ask for! Eighth grade was tough taking all those honors classes, but I just kept thinking about how fun this cruise was going to be.

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

Psst. Hey. Can we go talk in the back of the life-raft while Grandpa naps? Everyone — Zack, David, Cailin. You too, Grandma.

So — we’ve been out in the ocean for, what, three weeks now? Boy, it seems like forever ago since we were having the time of our lives on the grandkids-and-grandparents cruise. It was supposed to be a reward for our good grades. Look at us now. Gosh, what I wouldn’t give to be sitting around our table at that 24-hour buffet!

But I’ve been thinking. We’re the only survivors. I haven’t eaten in a week. I’m starting to fade. I want to just put this idea out there and see what you think.

I think we should eat Grandpa.

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

Grandpa, will you sit next to me during dinner? I’ll get you that sugar-free pie that you always like to have. I just don’t want Cailin sitting next to me again. She never stops talking — she’s so freaking annoying. And during dinner will you tell us another story about the Vietnam War? Was it really scary?

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

Listen. Listen. Hey — shut up Cailin. Shut up! We have no food left. None. Who knows how much longer we’re going to be floating out here? We can either slowly die together as a family, or we can bravely continue living as a slightly smaller family.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this. Grandpa is by far the best person among us for… you know. First of all, he weighs the most out of all of us, so there would be a lot of him to go around. Also, he’s been turning down his hearing aid and zoning out this whole time — so he’s unsuspecting prey! And he hasn’t been very good at entertaining us with card tricks and jokes and fun anecdotes like he usually does. I expected much greater survival skills from a Bronze Star combat veteran like him.

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

After we finish dinner can we go see the magic show? It was so cool last night — David and I are really psyched to see it a second time.

Hey, thanks again for taking us on this vacation, Grandpa. Don’t tell my other Grandpa I said this, but you’re my favorite! David and Zack and I were all talking about it, and it’s no contest, easy. You built us that tree house. You do your cool card tricks. You have that sweet tattoo that dances when you flex your arm!

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

I am fine with drawing straws, as long as we rig it so that Grandpa gets the short straw. It only makes sense. Grandma, since you’re a smoker, I don’t think you would taste that good. I couldn’t bring myself to eat you, Zack. You’re the best cousin ever. Hanging out in our tree house would never be the same knowing that I feasted on your raw flesh for my own survival. And no hunger could bring me to chomp down on you, David, even though you would probably be the softest and tastiest out of all of us, since you’re so young and live such an inactive lifestyle.

And Cailin, as much as I hate you, eating my sister would just be super gross.

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

Oh, oh — can we arm wrestle after dessert, Grandpa? I’ve been practicing with Zach and I think I have a shot against you this time!

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

I know what you’re going to say — he’s got that old-man strength. However, he’s been without his diabetes medication for a good while now, so he can’t be that strong anymore, can he? I think we can take him, especially if we got some good sharp stabs in his midsection before he woke up.

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

Can you give us money for the arcade tonight, Grandpa? David and I want to play you and Zack at air hockey. Have you ever played before? We can teach you the rules.

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

He did pay for this all-inclusive vacation, that’s true. He is gruff and lovable and the best darned grandpa a kid could ask for. He’s always down for whatever. But, seriously, it’s come time for him to do more than just shower us with gifts. What I’m saying is the best gifts come from the heart. Actually, what I’m saying is that I am calling dibs on Grandpa’s heart.

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

How do you always beat us at games, Grandpa? You kicked our butts at air hockey. I think you cheat because you make us laugh so much and we lose our concentration.

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

So, if we can all agree about what’s to be done, we’ll go ahead and move forward.

I’ll take your silence as a yes. Wait, why are you guys looking at me so weird?

Oh, hi, Grandpa. I didn’t wake you up, did I? Did you forget to turn down your hearing aid?

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

I love you, Grandpa. You’re the best.

Let’s Eat Grandpa.

Grandpa. You know I was kidding, right? What are you doing with that flare gun, Grandpa?

Let’s Eat, Grandpa!

I can’t wait until next year’s vacation! They keep getting better every year!

“Let’s Eat” — Grandpa

Thomas Scott lives in Winchester, Virginia. His work has appeared elsewhere in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and The Trop.

Photo via John Watson/Flickr