I Didn’t Like Boyhood and I’m All Alone

This is really uncomfortable to admit, but I didn’t love Boyhood. Boyhood is that Richard Linklater film shot over 12 years with a real, live growing boy! I read all the reviews and was really excited. But then I didn’t even find it tender or profound. I did find it profoundly long though! There’s no lonelier feeling than being the only person you know who didn’t love something that everyone else loves. Some thoughts while watching Boyhood:

“Aw, the little boy in it is so cute! Patricia Arquette is so great! Oh, hi Ethan Hawke playing a ne’er-do-well, so we meet again.”

“Having a stepdad must suck. I wonder what I’ll eat after this? Oh god, that girl next to me is tearing up. Must focus.”

“Wait, I was wrong. There is nothing worse than Ethan Hawke’s SadDad apartment. Is that a hot plate??”

“Oh cool, I can tell by Soulja Boy that he’s probably a preteen now. I miss when we were all doing that dance at weddings. I wonder what time it is? This has to be an hour in…[checks phone] Ah, just 40 minutes.”

“Welp, there’s the requisite part of this film where Ethan Hawke sings a song. Fool me once, Reality Bites soundtrack.”

“Ok, this looks like a pivotal scene. This is probably one of the scenes everyone thinks about when they say how much they loved this film. That hiking looks fun. I should go hiking? I should google if I’d need to wear a sports bra and special shoes or what type of outfit is required. I should actually go hiking somewhere adjacent to some antiques and cute brunch places and make a day of it. Can you hike for just 30 minutes? Speaking of time, I feel like two hours has gone by…[checks time] Oh wait, just 55 minutes.”

“What am I missing? Ok. Must think about the passage of time. Mistakes. Childhood. Adulthood. Doing one’s best…I wonder if I got any texts?”

“Ethan Hawke has a mustache now! I think this signifies his ascent into adulthood? Or probably just that he was doing a period play while filming this part? Unless it was an artistic choice? Ugh. Who are some top mustached public figures of our time? Let’s see. John Stossel for sure. Tom Selleck. Burt Reynolds…”

“Oh no, he grew up to have that voice!”

“Ok, last scene. I’m ready to feel all the feelings….and….nothing.”

[New York Times, photo via DavetheNovelistWordpress]