Tips For Taking On the Summer

Summer is a mere three weeks away. Don’t get caught with your pants down.

OUTDOOR MOVIES

These are the same as indoor movies but you have to spend no less than three hundred dollars at Trader Joe’s first. On the group text your friends have inevitably jailed you in, tell them you’re bringing a good blanket.

Susie: who’s bringin cheese, i bought crackers

Laura: ill bring cheese, i have wine too

Ingrid: homemade quinoa salad and a fruit plate! xoxo

Tori: i picked up a growler of beer and some chips/salsa/guac. so ready for this, ladies!

You: BLANKET

[1 minute later]:

INDOOR MOVIES

Scientifically proven to be one thousand percent more comfortable than outdoor movies. Air-conditioning included.

THE POOL

You don’t really know how to swim. This isn’t your fault, stop beating yourself up. Just don’t go to the pool, it’s whatever. No one even likes it. They’re just pretending.

HOTEL POOL

NOW THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY.

HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO BRUNO MARS

You can now, that’s the freedom of summer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A CLAMBAKE

Where do the clams go, in the oven or?

SOME OTHER FISH-RELATED ACTIVITIES

Crawfish boil
Lobster roll
Tuna steak
The ocean
Sharks
There are sharks in the ocean
There are lobsters in the ocean, too, I think
Eat a lobster roll at the ocean for you are part of a superior species and no one can tell you what to do
Why are lobster rolls like 40 dollars

CONCERTS

Music is at these.

A LIMERICK ABOUT MILKSHAKES

There once was a girl who was thirsty
The first six keys on a typewriter are QWERTY
She went to the mall
Found a milkshake stall
And damn what is it about milkshakes

MANI(CURES)/PEDI(CURES)

My signature toenail color is Persimmon Blot.
My signature fingernail color is Wound.
According to US Weekly — stars: they’re just like us.

VACATION

It’s probably been a few years since you’ve read From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler but those kids took a vacation in their own city and they were loving it.

Buy a six-pack of shandy and a spritzer fan. Rename your roof Monaco Cove.

DOGS ARE DOWN FOR WHATEVER

So get one.

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.