A Men’s Fashion Guide to Music Festivals

by Mackenzie Mays

–Instead of the popular ladies’ flower crown, wear an actual crown of thorns. Fit it so that it punctures your forehead flesh just enough. If blood gets in your eyes a little bit but you don’t feel that lightheaded, you’re doing it right.

–Pull your jean shorts up as high above your belly button as they will possibly go. Stuff your stomach meat into the shorts (must be denim) and button them NO MATTER WHAT. Button every button. If you pinch some skin with a button, leave it! You will get used to the pain and the skin clumps will eventually fall off, sort of like your umbilical cord. Patch wounds with closest sand.

–Feeling left out of the bodypaint-as-bra thing? Paint your penis. If you feel exposed, you can always put on a T-Shirt or something. Phallic design suggestions: unicorn, giraffe, Nixon. Pro tip: Be sure to fill the hole. Think: caulking.

–Rompers aren’t just for ladies anymore. Onesies are In. A downside is that they can be a pain at the port-a-potties, though, so getting a catheter inserted before the festival is a good idea.

–Whatever you do, don’t wear a hat. ROOKIE ALERT. Consider growing your hair out. Never pull it up out of your face, no matter how sweaty you get. It looks so much better down (especially with that crown)!

–Stand out. Think less about practical camping-in-the-heat gear and more about what you look like. It’s important. Consider a three-piece suit or a homemade shirt with popular festival lingo like, “Have you seen my friend Molly?” It’s an inside joke well known at festivals and a reference to the Unsinkable Molly Brown (I don’t get it either.) Unrelated: be friendly with the cops on site. Politely introduce yourself to one every chance you get. It’s all about community and staying safe.

–Don’t wear shoes (you’ll stick out like a sore thumb). Prep your feet by conditioning before the festival, like spending some time on hot coals or trying the old cheese-grater-to-the-soles method. You veteran festival goers know what I’m talking about.

–Remember, black is slimming!!! Make sure you only pack dark clothing.

Mackenzie Mays is a journalist who once almost got trapped inside of a romper forever.