The 4/20 Cookbook

by The Hairpin

Happy Easter! We’ve compiled some of the best April 20 recipes from some of the finest gourmands of our time. Have a lovely weekend.

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THE CHOCOLATE-CHIP-PEANUT-BUTTER “SELF-SURPRISE”

Submitted by “Jo.”

Sprinkle chocolate chips into the peanut butter jar and eat it with a spoon.

Sometimes, you’ll finds chips in the peanut butter later, which I like to call a “self-surprise.”

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THE COOKIE DELIVERY FAKE-OUT STRAT

Submitted by “Miley.”

Based on the true events of April 20, 2009.

1. Peruse www.insomniacookies.com and select a minimum of two cookies per person, keeping in mind that the oatmeal raisin is way better than you’d expect and actually a really solid choice.

2. Call 1–877–63-COOKIE to arrange a delivery. Wait on hold for 20 minutes, keeping in mind that it will feel like four days.

3. Dance/sing along with the hold music, Bob Marley’s “Stir It Up.”

4. Forget who you called or why you are on hold.

5.. Complain about the wait time to the flustered man who finally answers. He will tell you they’re “doing the best they can,” and that it’s the “busiest day of the year.” Yell, “THIS IS INSANITY” and hang up.

6. Bake your own cookies.

7. While cookies bake, find “Stir It Up” in the depths of your iTunes, and eat remaining half of the batter with your hands.

8. Eat cookies, alternating bites with sips of PBR.

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THE FROZEN BLUEBERRY AND PISTACHIO LAYER CUP

Submitted by Naomi.

My parents used to keep blueberries they’d picked in the summer in the freezer, in a big turkey Ziploc bag. You were supposed to use them sparingly, for cereal. In high school I smoked a lot of weed; I’d come home late and pour a bunch of those blueberries in the bottom of my favorite 32oz commemorative plastic cup, which came from a UGA women’s basketball game. I’d do a layer of blueberries, then a layer of shell-on pistachios, another layer of blueberries, pistachios, etc, until the cup was full. This is great snack when you’re stoned because it’s salty and sweet and mixes textures: crunchy and creamy frozen. There’s a lot of volume — like, literally a lot of pieces to eat — but it won’t give you a stomach ache. At the end your hands are purple, and the cup is filled with soggy, stained shells. I ate this while watching an undersung reality show called Starting Over, which aired each weeknight between 3:30 and 4:30 a.m. Cops came on at 5.

These days, I’m into chasing pink and red Starbursts with seltzer or Teas’ Tea, and mint chip coconut milk ice cream.

also lol i made a collage plz attach:

Ed. note: “Collage.”

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THE “I’D RATHER HAVE A BOURBON”

Submitted by Sarah.

I hate pot. It makes me so nervous, and I’m already extremely nervous. Whenever I make the mistake of smoking it, my go-to munchie is bourbon, three fingers on ice, sipped slowly and steadily in the hopes that I can somehow calm the fuck down.

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THE POWER TRIO

Submitted by Rebecca.

I. The Dear God, It’s Me Rebecca

for the couch

1 mug of “Constant Comment” orange spice tea
10 drops of marijuana tincture

II. The Jinji

for Laura’s dog, may she RIP.

1 oz. gin
1 oz. Stirrings All Natural Ginger Liqueur
5–8 drops of “lemon” marijuana tincture
Top with splash of seltzer to keep things breezy.

III. The UOPN

light ’n’ fancy

2 ounces either Cocchi or Lillet Blanc
5-??? drops of “lemon” marijuana tincture
Seltzer
Thin slice of orange

Put your Cocchi in a glass and drop in your drops. Add an ice cube and swirl. Top with enough seltzer to give you just the right feeling. Squeeze the orange slice and drop him in there, giggling “it’s UOPN, it’s UOPN” to yourself, just quietly.

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THE PRE-PAID PLAN

Submitted by Lindsey.

I used to smoke weed without a care in the world as to what I was going to consume post, which is always the worst idea because I’d end up eating cereal from the box. And not even good cereal … Like, healthy cereal? (Whatever works, man.) Now that I’m a responsible adult, I prepare a bit before — knowing that I’ll likely want something savory (A burrito? Chicken fingers? Potato chips that taste like chicken fingers?) and something disgusting. I guess not disgusting. Are Whoppers disgusting? I guess, yeah, they are pretty gross.

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THE “I JUST RAN OUT OF TRADER JOE’S SNACKS” EMERGENCY BACK-UP PLAN

Submitted by “A. Tully Hall.”

I don’t want to brag, but snax and drugs are kind of my forte. I’m a big proponent of Trader Joe’s, with it’s many many many pre-made stoner snacks (chocolate covered, peanut butter filled pretzels; chocolate covered potato chips; sesame sticks), but here are some of my homemade recipes:

— Double Chocolate Milano with Peanut Butter Sauce (the sauce is just peanut butter), topped with a Pita Chip Crumble. This should be consumed in bed on a Sunday morning (so like, 1 p.m.) while tearing up over a Parks and Rec rerun on the Esquire network and texting your group chat, “I want *us* to have a Galentine’s Day.”

— French Fries with Honey Mustard Sauce. This is for late Friday night on the couch, while moaning, “five chicken fingers is not enough.” Pairs well with Doll and Em reruns and thoughts about Emily Mortimer’s bird arms.

— Sesame Sticks + Cookie Butter. Not for the faint of heart, this combination should be consumed in the kitchen, sitting on the counter and talking about overpopulation.

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THE FRIED-CHICKEN-CONTRABAND-INSPIRED SNACK RUN

Submitted by Megan.

Eat half a hash cookie aimlessly, while watching Law and Order: SVU. Wait a half hour, and then, fuck it, eat the rest. Realize that you are starving, like hungrier than you’ve ever been. Exit your room and stand in front of the open fridge for longer than is necessary. Eat a secret amount of your roommate’s fried chicken leftovers, wallowing briefly in a stoned haze that they will notice (they won’t, trust me). Steel yourself for the out of doors and make your way to the bodega, where you will purchase the following:

1 package Ritz crackers
1 container creamy Jif peanut butter
1 package chocolate chips
1 package cheddar cheese and cracker Combos
1 bottle Starbucks Mocha Frappucino

Once you’re safely ensconced, retreat to a safe space with a spoon, your snacks, and a dim room. Spread peanut butter on the crackers, throw some chocolate chips on top and chase it with a handful of Combos, while watching this on repeat:

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THE “WHOA YOU LIKE ACTUALLY COOKED DUDE THAT IS LIKE CRAZY.”

Submitted by Zoe.

For a few years in a row I had a 4/20 dinner party. I’m not a big sweets fan, which is what most people tend to cook with weed, so I was on the hunt for a more savory stoner dish. I came across this recipe, which was a huge crowd pleaser. One year I made one batch of this with weed and one without, so people had options. My friend Federico was visiting from Italy and he specifically asked for the batch without pot. I pointed the pot-less batch out to him and left to go entertain. Federico ate the wrong one, apparently, and all of the sudden was nowhere to be found. He rang my bell a few hours later, so happy he made his way back to my apartment after a confusing stoned walk through the neighborhood.

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THE “NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS” COUCH SESH

Submitted by “Trina.”

I drink coconut water and then buy a lot of food and then stare at the food and think about how much work it would be to make and/or eat the food and then turn on Real Housewives and kind of relate to them or don’t depending on where I am in my coconut water.

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THE CHILL MOM

Submitted by “Lucille.”

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THE PERMA-SNACKER’S RETREAT

Submitted by “G.A. Tortellini.”

I am stoned as often as I am sitting in front of a plate of snacks — which is to say, often — but at this point there’s no real correlation between either behavior. Or at least I don’t think so! But I also often lack external clarity so I asked my boyfriend and here is what he said.

“I think I smoke purely for inebriation purposes,” he began. I nodded. “You, on the other hand, don’t.” I nodded, slower: probably something worth thinking about, but where were we now? “So for me it’s all the same. When I’m drunk I eat weird shit and when I’m high I eat weird shit,” he said — and this is true; many of his late-night snacks can best be categorized as “Struggle Surprise” — “but when I’m sober, I’m trying to stop myself. That’s the difference. You don’t try and stop yourself.” You’re right, I whispered, a seed of anxiety sprouting a tiny blossom for spring. “Yes,” he concluded. “Because you already snack all the time, there is no possible deviation.”

Because I already also smoke all the time, same. Aren’t we all trying to just get the greatest amount of pleasure for the least amount of work? I believe the effort-to-reward ratio is generally highest with a really well-cared-for sandwich: I like a heavy pan on low heat, thick-ass slices of farmer’s bread, a fat wedge of fontina, a slip of prosciutto, a little avocado and grainy mustard; the outsides buttered, salt and peppered. The kind of sandwich that leaves shine on your fingertips and makes you feel like you’ve really done something good and possibly sexual: blessed be.

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THE NEUROTIC’S DELICACY

Submitted by “Martha.”

I’ve finally come to accept that weed, for me, is better for indulging neuroses than trying to relax. I only like to be stoned in clean environments, and I like cleaning my apartment,, showering, and brushing my teeth while high. I mostly like to eat candy or things that feel labor intensive, like pomegranates. I’m also proud of the time I made what I think is the stoneriest thing ever: vanilla ice cream sprinkled with salted/buttered popcorn and maple syrup.

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THE DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT YOU WORK AT ‘B-DUBS’

Submitted by Maya.

1. Order Too Many chicken wings from the teenagers at the takeout counter at Buffalo Wild Wings. Behave as if you are in a slight rush. Half of these wings should be “Hot,” because spicy/savory, and half “Jammin’ Jalapeno,” because sweet. Balance is important. (These should be traditional wings, not boneless, because come on, everybody. We are not animals.)

1A. Be sure to order like, seriously no joke too many, like, Oh, Clearly This Woman And Her Dilated Pupils Are Hosting Some Sort of Gathering style too many. Casually use the pronoun “We,” just once. Don’t overdo it, or they’ll know.

2. Go home and settle in, safe in the knowledge that you will now never run out of chicken wings. Watch Flight of the Navigator.

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THE BIRTHDAY SPECIAL

Submitted by “April.”

My birthday is on 4/20, so obviously there’s always cake involved. I have a really distinct memory of my 16th birthday, in which I smoked weed after school with my friends and then came home and ate a huge piece of homemade strawberry layer cake with vanilla frosting. I thought I was so cool for being high on a school night. And you know what? I was cool. That cake was fucking amazing and I was loving life.

I can’t find the recipe, but when Googling I found this, which kind of looks right-ish. Our version definitely had way more frosting, more layers, and fresh strawberries on top instead of those janky pink dollops, but this will probably do the trick. Also, I agree with the blogger, the colors are perfect for spring.

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THE SHOWER EGG

Submitted by Dayna.

Ingredients

weed
one (1) Cadbury Creme Egg
an apartment, it can be yours or someone else’s, it’s not important

Directions

1. Preheat the shower so it’s really hot.
2. Smoke.
3. Get in the shower.
4. Eat one (1) Cadbury Creme Egg.

Your friends are gonna think you’re fucking nuts and tell everyone you know, even that guy you were kind of dating who was pretty dull but some goodass arm candy, but no maverick is ever truly appreciated when they’re alive.

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THE DIGNITY D-LITE

Submitted by Emmie.

Brick of cheddar cheese. Gossip Girl marathon. Goodbye dignity, see u in hell.

Top art by Maya West.