Support for This Operating System Has Ended

by Devorah Blachor

”Support for this operating system has ended, which means your anti-virus software is no longer supported and your PC is unprotected. To make sure your PC stays protected, click the link below to see our end-of-support guidance for operating systems.”
 — Status Alert

What does this status alert mean for you?

Support for your operating system has ended

Your system is no longer protected and is vulnerable to malware, spam, viruses, hackers, insults both overt and subtle, and the Black Plague. Your operating system now feels like a four-year-old boy who gets separated from his mother at the supermarket and is found inconsolable in the Salad Dressings and Condiments aisle. Don’t be alarmed if you find your operating system weeping and watching reality television for hours and hours.

Your anti-virus software is no longer supported

The operating system on your PC is like a college graduate who was president of his fraternity and popular with the ladies but now finds his credit card suddenly disassociated from his parents’ account and his childhood bedroom cleared out and belatedly understands that his choice to major in Folklore and Mythology was a grave error in judgment. Your operating system on your PC is about to start drinking heavily.

Your PC is unprotected

I’m trying to impress upon you the concept of absolute vulnerability here, but you don’t seem to be listening, so let me put it to you this way: Imagine that you’re a small, golden tamarin monkey in the middle of the rainforest. Loggers have just felled the trees in which you once made your home and which also provided you cover from your natural predators. Suddenly you hear the “ke-he ke-he” call of a white hawk, the rustle of leaves caused by a roaming leopard and the hiss of an anaconda, all in quick succession. Try to conjure both the image and the state of fear of this tiny, shivering tamarin. That is your PC.

Potential risk of staying with your current operating system

Security: Without critical updates, you will be the victim of malicious, thieving and damaging software that will also serve to remind you of what a crummy, unkind world we live in.

Compliance: Businesses that are governed by regulatory obligations such as HIPAA may find that they are no longer able to satisfy compliance requirements. This means that the “Man” is somehow involved and will penalize you for maintaining your deadbeat operating system.

Lack of Independent Software Vendor (ISV) Support: You will no longer be able to send emails, post photos to Instagram or find out ‘What Kind of Pizza Slice’ you are.

Hardware Manufacturer Support: Are you still reading this? How have you not bought a new computer and operating system yet?

To make sure your PC stays protected, click the link below to see our end-of-support guidance for operating systems

You will spend the next three days downloading and running diagnostic programs trying to assess the state of your PC. At the end of this period, you’ll be in the position to ascertain whether a migration from your operating system is feasible. It’s not. Operating System Migration is as complicated and out-of-your-league as it sounds, and involves in-depth technical resources, productivity and collaboration tools and calling your computer guy who has better things to do than to service a home PC user like you.

Consider yourself lucky if you have received this update, because at least you have some inkling that the end is nigh and won’t wake up tomorrow to find that your PC has absconded with your banking files and your porn preferences. Good luck and God speed.

Previously: Signs I Want You To Leave My House After I’ve Hosted You for Dinner

Devorah Blachor writes a comic mystery series under the pen name Jasmine Schwartz. Her novels include Farbissen and Fakakt. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter and read more of her writing on her website.