“Part of disciplining the body is denial”

My body is wildly undisciplined and I deny myself nearly everything I desire. I deny myself the right to space when I am public, trying to fold in on myself, to make my body invisible even though it is, in fact, grandly visible. I deny myself the right to a shared armrest because how dare I impose? I deny myself entry into certain spaces I have deemed inappropriate for a body like mine — most spaces inhabited by other people.

I deny myself bright colors in my clothing choices, sticking to a uniform of denim and dark shirts even though I have a far more diverse wardrobe. I deny myself certain trappings of femininity as if I do not have the right to such expression when my body does not follow society’s dictates for what a woman’s body should look like. I deny myself gentler kinds of affection — to touch or be kindly touched — as if that is a pleasure a body like mine does not deserve.

Roxane Gay documents her torrid affair with her UPS Man one day and then breaks down body expectations and The BIggest Loser on xoJane the next. You’re probably gonna want those books this summer. [xoJane]