Thoughts I Had at Naked Yoga
by Brendan O’Connor
Who is going to be naked first.
Oh that lady’s naked, that was fast.
And now that guy’s naked too.
If I don’t get naked fast I’ll be the only one not naked. OK I’m naked. OK now I’m sitting and I’m naked.
Stop thinking so much.
But I’m naked.
It’s OK, just stop thinking, focus on your breath.
Oh you mean my naked breath.
Yes, fine, your naked breath.
Why are there mirrors.
Don’t worry about it.
There really shouldn’t be mirrors.
Sure, but there are.
Wow late to class, really? Really? With your clothes on and everything you’re gonna walk into a room full of naked people —
Shhh. Stop judging. Don’t worry about it. Just breathe.
What is the deal with that chandelier, by the way.
SHHHH.
And we’re standing up.
OK. Eyes straight ahead. Just look at the instructor.
OK but she’s naked.
Fine, then don’t look at anything.
She’s in really good shape.
Yes, she’s a yoga instructor.
But she’s like… old.
Yes.
I’m just saying.
Breathe.
It’s hard to breathe when you’re naked.
Why do you think you’re so self-conscious.
Oh I don’t know.
Really.
It’s just weird.
What’s weird.
Being naked in a room full of people. Strangers.
Is it because they can see your penis.
Well.
They’re all looking at your penis.
OK, stop.
Also you used to be in better shape.
Stop.
They’re looking at your penis and noticing that your body-fat is higher than it used to be when you were younger and played sports.
OK now you’re just being mean.
Look around, look at all of these men with their big penises and low body-fat, also they are tan and limber.
Not looking.
You want to, though.
No, definitely don’t.
Look at their penises.
Nope.
Look at the yoga instructors boobs instead.
OK, good idea — WAIT A MINUTE.
Ha ha.
Jerk.
Gotcha. Perv.
I’m not a perv.
She totally knows you were staring at her boobs.
Stop, no she doesn’t.
And now she’s looking at your penis.
No, she’s not, she’s a professional.
She’s disappointed.
You’re a jerk.
Everyone here is disappointed in you.
Stop.
Everyone who’s ever seen or touched your body has been disappointed.
This is the least meditative thing I’ve ever done.
How’re your chakras, dude.
I think that chandelier is really throwing them off.
Previously: Time Frames
Photo via 2thegalapagos/flickr.
Brendan O’Connor is a writer in New York.