What Character Are You?

by Kelley Gardiner

I recently saw the Downton Abbey character quiz on Facebook for the zillionth time. FYI, I am the Dowager Countess. Here are some additional personality evaluations for you to consider.

What Downton Abbey character are you?

You are not a character from Downton Abbey. You live in the 21st century, and it is not statistically probable that you live in a castle. Though class issues certainly still exist, your life and choices are not so clearly delineated by class as in post-Edwardian England.

But you’re probably Edith.

What Lord of the Rings character are you?

On your best days, you are Gandalf. Most days, Gimli. No one is ever Liv Tyler, except that one really pretty dreamy hippie friend you have who doesn’t even check Facebook, so there’s no way she’s reading this. Dream on, is what I’m saying.

What Simpsons character are you?

Are you yellow?

How about yellow and black striped?

Okay, you’re Bumblebee Man.

What 30 Rock character are you?

You’re when Will Arnett tried to seduce Kenneth while wearing the shorty robe, and you can’t even stand it, can you?

What Hunger Games character are you?

You definitely wouldn’t kill anyone on purpose unless you felt like you had no other choice. You have some special skills, but maybe not anything that would help keep you alive for long while fighting children to the death. You’re vaguely annoyed by Peeta.

You’re Peeta’s parents.

What Friday Night Lights character are you?

Pick a color.

Pick a song.

Pick a movie.

Pick long, wavy copper hair.

Sorry, you are never going to be Tami Taylor, there is just no way.

You are the drummer from Crucifictorious.

What Fight Club character are you?

Who even cares; it’s 2014.

What Game of Thrones character are you?

You wake up in a field muddied by blood. Your arm is bleeding badly. To the north, the Wall and unknown dangers beyond. To the west, a rutted road winds toward the horizon. To the south, a stream babbles softly. To the east, your sister sits astride a white horse and winks at you lasciviously.

You need bandages and food before night falls.

What would you like to do?

WALK EAST

You have been eviscerated by your sister. You no longer exist. Power has been consolidated.

What Wes Anderson character are you?

At first glance, Margot Tenenbaum seems pretty glamorous, doesn’t she? Then you realize how sad and dull her life is. What does she even do other than smoke cigarettes? Is this a script issue or just a life issue? Etheline is an archaeologist, so it isn’t like none of the ladies in this movie have anything to do.

*Cue somewhat obscure British invasion song*

Anyway, you’re Badger from The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Kelley Gardiner is a writer in Portland, Oregon, and tweets about roller derby and manatees.