Dating Profiles, Edited for Honesty

by Kate Angus

Age: 42
Interests: Literature, Lesbians, Hand-fasting
Marital Status: Divorced
About Me: My ex-wife is a lesbian and I am writing a novel in which many lesbians fall in love with the same man. One of the main characters, also a lesbian, becomes so jealous that she consults a bruja and puts a curse on every woman who’s ever slept with the narrator, dooming them to meet elaborate Final Destination-style ends. He follows the chain of death, trying vainly to save his former lovers, until finally he reaches the older woman who took his virginity in his teens. Ecstatic, he asks why the curse doesn’t affect her, to which she replies: Because I never loved you. I also relate a lot to the Vikings; I’m kind of a Thor or an Odin.

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Age: 28
Interests: Short Stories, Beer, San Francisco
Hair: Shiny.
About Me: I will ask you, on our third drink, the worst thing you’ve ever done. That cruel thing you said to your sister when you were ten will serve as an interesting counterpoint to my narrative about how I left San Francisco after having an affair with my best friend’s (and business partner) wife, ruining their marriage, our business, and all my friendships in that close-knit circle in one fell adulterous swoop. I am an excellent raconteur. I will be surprised when you won’t let me kiss you.

* * *

Occupation: Lawyer
Favorite Book, Movie, Music, Food: The World According To Garp, The World According to Garp, Elvis Costello, Cheese.
About Me: Although currently employed as a lawyer, I used to manage bands. During those crazy days — well, maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I feel a real connection here — I smuggled drugs. A guy I knew — not my boss, just a friend, a guy I did this kind of work for — bought tickets for me to fly to different cities and I’d hide the drugs in my luggage. I’d stay in a hotel, do tourist stuff, and then meet a guy, give him my suitcase, and bring the money to back to New York.

It fell apart when the main guy got busted. I knew he had a lot of cash in a locker in Penn Station. People had been arrested and I wasn’t sure if anyone had told the cops about the locker yet, but I had the key so I took the money. It’s not like my friend needed it — he was definitely going to prison for a long time. Did I use it for my tuition? No, no; I went to law school a couple years after that.

* * *

Occupation: Lawyer
Hometown: Austin, then Madison
About Me: I don’t like CitiBike; I think it’s bad for people’s health. They don’t wear helmets. No, other bikers wear helmets; the CitiBikers don’t. And it adds to obesity problems. These people bike ten minutes to work and they think they’ve exercised for the day. They don’t work out after that. They order the bacon double cheeseburger because they think they’ve earned it.

Yes, I guess I do have strong feelings about this. Other things I have strong feelings about? Okay, since you asked, I think New Yorkers are unreasonable about rent. I’ve lived here for three years so I’m objective. Rent stabilization laws hurt this city. They penalize the landlords because they can’t charge market value, but, just as much, they penalize the tenants: low rent is a crutch that prevents them from going out and earning a higher salary. They don’t have to worry about money, so they never reach their full potential.

* * *

Occupation: Sommelier
Height: 6’2
About Me: I will not mention I am paraplegic anywhere on my profile, nor in emails or texts, nor include photos other than head shots. Instead, you will find me in a wheelchair at the Thai restaurant where we meet for dinner. We’ll have an awkward conversation in which we discover we have very little in common other than both liking Rhone wines. We will share a cab downtown since it is raining and you are going home and I am meeting friends. I’ll try to make out with you in the back seat and when you say you don’t want to, ask if it’s because I’m “a cripple.” When you get home, you will cry and wonder if you’re single because you’re a bad person.

* * *

Occupation: Sommelier
Height: 6’4
Interests: David Foster Wallace, Experimental Music, Tennis
About Me: I’m a huge David Foster Wallace fan; I reread each of his books every year. Infinite Jest is why I learned tennis. No, that copy isn’t there because I was reading in bed and fell asleep: I sleep with it. Like a security blanket I guess. I just find it comforting.

* * *

Occupation: It’s hard to explain
Place of Work: The United Nations
About Me: We will go on two dates. When you cancel the third a few days in advance because you realize we aren’t really that compatible, I will tell you “you don’t deserve my big dick anyway” and hang up. Then I will bombard you with emails apologizing, asking if we can be friends, and if I can take you out to dinner to make up for my rudeness. When you finally email me back to say you accept my apology, but don’t want me to contact you again, I’ll reply “I understand” and then Facebook friend-request you.

* * *

Name: Kate Angus
State of mind: An endless pendulum between naive optimism and gloom; sometimes I’m a puppy, sometimes a rainstorm
Interests: Googling cults & rare diseases, Obscure folklore, WRITING IN ALL CAPS, Frozen dark chocolate peanut butter cups, Modern Poetry
About Me: I am frequently impatient and self-pitying. My feelings are easily hurt. If we date long enough to travel together, I will clutch your arm in a death-grip at the slightest hint of turbulence and I will not let go. I cry easily, especially during movies, even happy movies, like when Aslan appears in Prince Caspian and when Gandalf appears in any of The Lord of the Rings movies. My version of a balanced dinner is kale and a martini. Sometimes weeks will slide by before I clean my shower. I recount my CrossFit workouts in detail. I consistently mispronounce the word “pestle.” No matter how much I love you, sometimes I’ll wish you were Fox Mulder or Han Solo. I’m 5’9, but I wear riding boots and kitten heels so if you are 5’10 or especially Internet 5’10, you’ll feel short unless we are sitting or lying down. You will always have to sleep on the side closest to the door.

Previously: “Fresh Hells”

Kate Angus has also dated some wonderful men; they just don’t make as good copy. She is also an editor at Augury Books and more of her writing can be found in Indiana Review, Subtropics, Best New Poets 2010, and on The Awl, The Toast, The Rumpus and Verse Daily.