Beware the Sugar-Free Gummy Bear

Via the Atlantic, some alarming reports about this “sphincter-confounding” snack. Here’s the beginning of one Amazon review:

It continues, “I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS…”

Other reviews call the Curse of the Haribo Sugar-Free Gummies “Kafka-esque,” arousing suspicions of a “GI bleed or a necrotic bowel,” etc. You know, I BUY IT! There were “low-calorie” smoothies at the campus coffee shops at UVA that turned me off sugar-free things for the rest of my life.